ShiftyPowers
Make America Great Again
Unfortunately I can't start this in the summer of 2005, so we can all just pretend the Glazer saga happened last summer right? Perfect, so with that taken care of, let's get to work.
Malcom Glazer just took over Manchester United, took the club out of the public's hands, and heaped his debt onto the club. Needless to say he was in some trouble. He realized that winning the supporters back had to be one of his top priorities, and this was made even tougher when Sir Alex resigned from the club refusing to serve under an American. Glazer needed a coach fast, and since he didn't really trust any member of the current staff to be loyal to him, he felt that he needed to make the hire all by himself. He made some phone calls, but quickly found out that everyone hated Manchester United or wouldn't leave their clubs to come to England. Rejected by the biggest managers in the world, Glazer was feeling lost, but just at that moment a man in a crushed velvet suit with a male symbol necklace and horrible teeth walked into his office.
"Hello Mr. Glazer" the man said in one of the worst fake english accents since Brad Friedel.
"Oh hello, and you are..."
"My name is Lymie Britman and I'm a football manager"
"Oh, hello Mr. Britman, what can I do for you today?"
"Well sir, I'm a football manager and I would desperately like to manage Manchester United. I was told by my good friend, and former boss Ottmar Hitzfeld that you were looking for someone to take over the club."
"Oh yes, Mr. Hitzfeld didn't seem very interested, but I guess he passed the information on, how nice of him. Well, Lymie, what experience do you have?"
"Well sir, I started out in the Liverpool youth system in the 1980's, but after a career ending injury I joined the non playing staff. I was lured to coach the U-13 West Ham team in the 90's and brought up Carrick, Cole, and Lampard. Then I went to Bayern with Mr. Hitzfeld and brought up Schweinsteiger and all the other great players you see at Bayern right now. For the last two years I've coached a lower league team to an undefeated record and two consecutive promotions. I feel like I can step into the big time after learning from the best and never losing a game as an actual manager." Of course there were numerous holes in this story (and the accent), but Glazer didn't know a damn thing about soccer, so he believed it all. The only thing he understood was "Carrick, Cole, Lampard, and Schweinsteiger" which he felt boded very well for him.
"That's very impressive, usually we need to check out your references, but since you have had such a great career, I suppose I can just call Mr. Hitzfeld and if he confirms you are who you say you are, I'll hire you on the spot. Let me just get his number from my rolodex." Mr. "Britman" started to go pale and immediately replied,
"There's no use sir, I have him programmed into my phone." With that, he dialed a number on his cell phone and started talking "Hello Ottmar Hitzfeld, this is Lymie Britman, I repeat Mr. Hitzfeld, this is Lymie Britman. I'm standing in Malcom Glazer's office right now and he said that if you can verify that I was one of your assistants at Bayern and have been coaching at a lower league team for 2 years now, that he'd hire me as the manager of Manchester United. Here, talk to Glazer" He passed the phone to Glazer.
"Hello? Oh hi Ottmar! So this kid is all he's cracked up to be? Wow, that good huh! Amazing! Even taught you a thing of two! Incredible! Ok, always good to talk to you, thanks Otty." Glazer hung up the phone, handed it back to "Lymie Britman" and said "Well Mr. Britman, you start tomorrow. I hope you can handle the press."
July 11, 2004
The press conference to introduce the new Manchester United manager filled the air in the press room of Old Trafford with anticipation. Everyone knew Glazer would make a big splash, but who would he get? Robson? Wegner? Capello? Hitzfeld? Malcom Glazer walked into the room and started speaking...
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen of the press. Today I have the distinct pleasure of introducing the new manager of Manchester United. He has recently been affiliated with Bayern Munich, but recently he has been out of the mainstream honing his managerial skills. Today I have the distinct pleasure of unveiling our new manager.............." Glazer paused for what seemed like an eternity, the ManU television network all over the globe carried the suspense for all the fans of the club. Everyone's mind was thinking Hitzfeld, whispers of his name could be heard around the pressroom, and then the course of Manchester United's history would be changed forever as Glazer opened his mouth and said "Lymie Britman!!"
Who the hell!??! And just then a man looking just like some idiot in an Austin Powers costume walked into the room, shook hands with Malcom Glazer, and stood behind the microphone. "Hello everyone" he said in the fakest english accent ever, "today is a proud moment for me, because I get to restore this club to it's former glory. I will take exactly one question.... from YOU!" He pointed and a man with a large tophat and an enormous handlebar mustache stood up and asked "You are such a brilliant and world class manager, is there any possible way Manchester United doesn't win 10 consecutive champions leagues?"
"Of course not Snidley Whiplash, we will win 10 or more in a row. Now that's the end of the press conference, our first game is soon, so I hope you guys come, or whatever." And with that, the man, obviously an American man in his early twenties who convinced Glazer he was english and an experienced football manager walked out of the room.
Yeah, that's me. I love the disguises and I will be looking like Austin Powers every day in order to convince Glazer I'm English. My real motive however, is to destroy this club. Ruin it. I don't mean relegate it, I don't mean relegate it twice, hell Man City did that and now they're back in the Premiership. I want to take Manchester United into the cellar. Ruin their finances and put them lower than the North/South Conferences. The trick to this will be keeping my job the whole while destroying the finances of the club and the fanbase. It won't be easy, but I'll go to work.
Malcom Glazer just took over Manchester United, took the club out of the public's hands, and heaped his debt onto the club. Needless to say he was in some trouble. He realized that winning the supporters back had to be one of his top priorities, and this was made even tougher when Sir Alex resigned from the club refusing to serve under an American. Glazer needed a coach fast, and since he didn't really trust any member of the current staff to be loyal to him, he felt that he needed to make the hire all by himself. He made some phone calls, but quickly found out that everyone hated Manchester United or wouldn't leave their clubs to come to England. Rejected by the biggest managers in the world, Glazer was feeling lost, but just at that moment a man in a crushed velvet suit with a male symbol necklace and horrible teeth walked into his office.
"Hello Mr. Glazer" the man said in one of the worst fake english accents since Brad Friedel.
"Oh hello, and you are..."
"My name is Lymie Britman and I'm a football manager"
"Oh, hello Mr. Britman, what can I do for you today?"
"Well sir, I'm a football manager and I would desperately like to manage Manchester United. I was told by my good friend, and former boss Ottmar Hitzfeld that you were looking for someone to take over the club."
"Oh yes, Mr. Hitzfeld didn't seem very interested, but I guess he passed the information on, how nice of him. Well, Lymie, what experience do you have?"
"Well sir, I started out in the Liverpool youth system in the 1980's, but after a career ending injury I joined the non playing staff. I was lured to coach the U-13 West Ham team in the 90's and brought up Carrick, Cole, and Lampard. Then I went to Bayern with Mr. Hitzfeld and brought up Schweinsteiger and all the other great players you see at Bayern right now. For the last two years I've coached a lower league team to an undefeated record and two consecutive promotions. I feel like I can step into the big time after learning from the best and never losing a game as an actual manager." Of course there were numerous holes in this story (and the accent), but Glazer didn't know a damn thing about soccer, so he believed it all. The only thing he understood was "Carrick, Cole, Lampard, and Schweinsteiger" which he felt boded very well for him.
"That's very impressive, usually we need to check out your references, but since you have had such a great career, I suppose I can just call Mr. Hitzfeld and if he confirms you are who you say you are, I'll hire you on the spot. Let me just get his number from my rolodex." Mr. "Britman" started to go pale and immediately replied,
"There's no use sir, I have him programmed into my phone." With that, he dialed a number on his cell phone and started talking "Hello Ottmar Hitzfeld, this is Lymie Britman, I repeat Mr. Hitzfeld, this is Lymie Britman. I'm standing in Malcom Glazer's office right now and he said that if you can verify that I was one of your assistants at Bayern and have been coaching at a lower league team for 2 years now, that he'd hire me as the manager of Manchester United. Here, talk to Glazer" He passed the phone to Glazer.
"Hello? Oh hi Ottmar! So this kid is all he's cracked up to be? Wow, that good huh! Amazing! Even taught you a thing of two! Incredible! Ok, always good to talk to you, thanks Otty." Glazer hung up the phone, handed it back to "Lymie Britman" and said "Well Mr. Britman, you start tomorrow. I hope you can handle the press."
July 11, 2004
The press conference to introduce the new Manchester United manager filled the air in the press room of Old Trafford with anticipation. Everyone knew Glazer would make a big splash, but who would he get? Robson? Wegner? Capello? Hitzfeld? Malcom Glazer walked into the room and started speaking...
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen of the press. Today I have the distinct pleasure of introducing the new manager of Manchester United. He has recently been affiliated with Bayern Munich, but recently he has been out of the mainstream honing his managerial skills. Today I have the distinct pleasure of unveiling our new manager.............." Glazer paused for what seemed like an eternity, the ManU television network all over the globe carried the suspense for all the fans of the club. Everyone's mind was thinking Hitzfeld, whispers of his name could be heard around the pressroom, and then the course of Manchester United's history would be changed forever as Glazer opened his mouth and said "Lymie Britman!!"
Who the hell!??! And just then a man looking just like some idiot in an Austin Powers costume walked into the room, shook hands with Malcom Glazer, and stood behind the microphone. "Hello everyone" he said in the fakest english accent ever, "today is a proud moment for me, because I get to restore this club to it's former glory. I will take exactly one question.... from YOU!" He pointed and a man with a large tophat and an enormous handlebar mustache stood up and asked "You are such a brilliant and world class manager, is there any possible way Manchester United doesn't win 10 consecutive champions leagues?"
"Of course not Snidley Whiplash, we will win 10 or more in a row. Now that's the end of the press conference, our first game is soon, so I hope you guys come, or whatever." And with that, the man, obviously an American man in his early twenties who convinced Glazer he was english and an experienced football manager walked out of the room.
Yeah, that's me. I love the disguises and I will be looking like Austin Powers every day in order to convince Glazer I'm English. My real motive however, is to destroy this club. Ruin it. I don't mean relegate it, I don't mean relegate it twice, hell Man City did that and now they're back in the Premiership. I want to take Manchester United into the cellar. Ruin their finances and put them lower than the North/South Conferences. The trick to this will be keeping my job the whole while destroying the finances of the club and the fanbase. It won't be easy, but I'll go to work.
The Qataris deserve it. 
brilliant stuff, Shifty, I'm in tears here 