Malcom Glazer isn't the biggest threat to ManU, I AM!!

Discussion in 'Older Football Manager Titles Forum' started by ShiftyPowers, Jun 30, 2005.

  1. ShiftyPowers

    ShiftyPowers Make America Great Again

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    Unfortunately I can't start this in the summer of 2005, so we can all just pretend the Glazer saga happened last summer right? Perfect, so with that taken care of, let's get to work.

    Malcom Glazer just took over Manchester United, took the club out of the public's hands, and heaped his debt onto the club. Needless to say he was in some trouble. He realized that winning the supporters back had to be one of his top priorities, and this was made even tougher when Sir Alex resigned from the club refusing to serve under an American. Glazer needed a coach fast, and since he didn't really trust any member of the current staff to be loyal to him, he felt that he needed to make the hire all by himself. He made some phone calls, but quickly found out that everyone hated Manchester United or wouldn't leave their clubs to come to England. Rejected by the biggest managers in the world, Glazer was feeling lost, but just at that moment a man in a crushed velvet suit with a male symbol necklace and horrible teeth walked into his office.

    "Hello Mr. Glazer" the man said in one of the worst fake english accents since Brad Friedel.

    "Oh hello, and you are..."

    "My name is Lymie Britman and I'm a football manager"

    "Oh, hello Mr. Britman, what can I do for you today?"

    "Well sir, I'm a football manager and I would desperately like to manage Manchester United. I was told by my good friend, and former boss Ottmar Hitzfeld that you were looking for someone to take over the club."

    "Oh yes, Mr. Hitzfeld didn't seem very interested, but I guess he passed the information on, how nice of him. Well, Lymie, what experience do you have?"

    "Well sir, I started out in the Liverpool youth system in the 1980's, but after a career ending injury I joined the non playing staff. I was lured to coach the U-13 West Ham team in the 90's and brought up Carrick, Cole, and Lampard. Then I went to Bayern with Mr. Hitzfeld and brought up Schweinsteiger and all the other great players you see at Bayern right now. For the last two years I've coached a lower league team to an undefeated record and two consecutive promotions. I feel like I can step into the big time after learning from the best and never losing a game as an actual manager." Of course there were numerous holes in this story (and the accent), but Glazer didn't know a damn thing about soccer, so he believed it all. The only thing he understood was "Carrick, Cole, Lampard, and Schweinsteiger" which he felt boded very well for him.

    "That's very impressive, usually we need to check out your references, but since you have had such a great career, I suppose I can just call Mr. Hitzfeld and if he confirms you are who you say you are, I'll hire you on the spot. Let me just get his number from my rolodex." Mr. "Britman" started to go pale and immediately replied,

    "There's no use sir, I have him programmed into my phone." With that, he dialed a number on his cell phone and started talking "Hello Ottmar Hitzfeld, this is Lymie Britman, I repeat Mr. Hitzfeld, this is Lymie Britman. I'm standing in Malcom Glazer's office right now and he said that if you can verify that I was one of your assistants at Bayern and have been coaching at a lower league team for 2 years now, that he'd hire me as the manager of Manchester United. Here, talk to Glazer" He passed the phone to Glazer.

    "Hello? Oh hi Ottmar! So this kid is all he's cracked up to be? Wow, that good huh! Amazing! Even taught you a thing of two! Incredible! Ok, always good to talk to you, thanks Otty." Glazer hung up the phone, handed it back to "Lymie Britman" and said "Well Mr. Britman, you start tomorrow. I hope you can handle the press."

    July 11, 2004
    The press conference to introduce the new Manchester United manager filled the air in the press room of Old Trafford with anticipation. Everyone knew Glazer would make a big splash, but who would he get? Robson? Wegner? Capello? Hitzfeld? Malcom Glazer walked into the room and started speaking...

    "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen of the press. Today I have the distinct pleasure of introducing the new manager of Manchester United. He has recently been affiliated with Bayern Munich, but recently he has been out of the mainstream honing his managerial skills. Today I have the distinct pleasure of unveiling our new manager.............." Glazer paused for what seemed like an eternity, the ManU television network all over the globe carried the suspense for all the fans of the club. Everyone's mind was thinking Hitzfeld, whispers of his name could be heard around the pressroom, and then the course of Manchester United's history would be changed forever as Glazer opened his mouth and said "Lymie Britman!!"

    Who the hell!??! And just then a man looking just like some idiot in an Austin Powers costume walked into the room, shook hands with Malcom Glazer, and stood behind the microphone. "Hello everyone" he said in the fakest english accent ever, "today is a proud moment for me, because I get to restore this club to it's former glory. I will take exactly one question.... from YOU!" He pointed and a man with a large tophat and an enormous handlebar mustache stood up and asked "You are such a brilliant and world class manager, is there any possible way Manchester United doesn't win 10 consecutive champions leagues?"

    "Of course not Snidley Whiplash, we will win 10 or more in a row. Now that's the end of the press conference, our first game is soon, so I hope you guys come, or whatever." And with that, the man, obviously an American man in his early twenties who convinced Glazer he was english and an experienced football manager walked out of the room.

    Yeah, that's me. I love the disguises and I will be looking like Austin Powers every day in order to convince Glazer I'm English. My real motive however, is to destroy this club. Ruin it. I don't mean relegate it, I don't mean relegate it twice, hell Man City did that and now they're back in the Premiership. I want to take Manchester United into the cellar. Ruin their finances and put them lower than the North/South Conferences. The trick to this will be keeping my job the whole while destroying the finances of the club and the fanbase. It won't be easy, but I'll go to work.
     
  2. ShiftyPowers

    ShiftyPowers Make America Great Again

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    July 15
    I make a bid for the player I feel will represent the club and be the captain...... Djalminha!! He's currently playing for America in Mexico, but I offered him a humungous contract, so he should be comming over soon. I would have brought over coke head Mark Bosnich, but he's not on the game dammit!! I'm also looking into bringing in Mihalovic (druggie, asshole) and once his loan finished El-Hadji Diouf (asshole). If anyone can come up with anymore of these players, feel free to contact Lymie Britman.

    July 16
    Feeling sorry for Spector, Djordic, Timm, Bellion, Eagles, Miller, and Richarson, I set their squad status as "not needed" and transfer list them each for between 0 and 150k euros. They haven't had a chance to become true Man U players, and I don't want them to go down with the ship. Plus by selling all promising youngsters the future is done.

    In other news, Djalminha signs from America for 2.5 million euros. HUGE bargain for such a quality individual in my opinion.

    July 21
    Eagles signs for Chelsea, we get 150k for him much to my chagrin, but that's ok, Man U actually aren't in great financial shape, so ruining this club won't be hard.

    July 24
    Spector goes across town to Man City (tee hee!!), Miller goes to Aston Villa, and Richardson goes to Sunderland to teach the Mackems "real football".

    Something like 9 of my matches before January are scheduled for television, great, i don't want that damn money!!!!!!

    July 30
    Djordic goes to Zaragoza and Timm to Zaragoza. In addition we get our draw for the 3rd Qualifying phase of the champions league. We will either get Zilina or Wisla in what I consider a "must lose" situation. We don't want to be playing in Europe, the fans will get too excited about the team and keep comming to the stadium. By the time I'm done I want to be playing in a completely empty and quiet Old Trafford.

    I offer 150k per week and 7.5 million signing on fees to Rio, Gary Neville, Keane, and Giggs; in the press these contracts are reported as 10 million per year. After those contracts are signed the club should damn near be in receivership. In addition, I fine Ole Gunnar Scolaskdfsaghser two weeks wages for scoring against Bayern in the '99 final. He feels that it's unfair, **** that twat, he's lucky I haven't shot him yet.

    August 3
    The press gives us 6-1 odds to win the Premier League. The same day a mysterious man opens up a sportingbet.co.uk account and puts 100k on Manchester United to get relegated. In other news today I realize that while I love Timmy Howard, I don't want the American to suffer with me, so I transfer list him for 0. At the same time I offer Jose Luis Chilavert a contract to come and play for me. How can you go wrong with the legend?

    August 8
    Today was the Charity Shield against Arsenal, and I was looking for a spectacular loss to kick off this career and disappoint the fan base. What's best about ******* up the club in this situation is that I know Glazer will get blamed and not me!! How wonderful! Oh, and by the way it was 9-0 in the 35th minute of the game. Maybe a little too obvious. The final score was 18-1 with Saha getting a goal inexplicably and Thierry Henry bagging a modest 10 goals on the day. I was getting some heat from the media as I left the locker room.

    "Mr. Britman, do you really think you're cut out to be the manager after a thrashing like that?"

    "Well to be honest, the players just aren't accustomed to the style of play yet and the training regime. I condition my players to play 90 minutes without substitutions, but the players have to snap out of their lazy routines. We will get better."

    "Are you really english, it looks like you're wearing a costume"

    "Actually I'm Scottish"

    "Where are you from?"

    "North.....Kilt.....town. Goodbye"
     
  3. SuRFy

    SuRFy Starting XI

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    lol, awesome Shifty, do you plan to blow your Transfer Budget, Spend like 60 Million on Batigol. :) The Qataris deserve it. (Y)
     
  4. ShiftyPowers

    ShiftyPowers Make America Great Again

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    August 11
    Today we played Zilina in the first leg of the Third Qualifying Phase and drew 1-1 thanks to them scoring in the 90th minute. I abandoned the obvious tactic that saw Arse score 18 against us because I don't want to be so obvious, my real hope is that we can be extremely boring and lose every game 1-0. 1-1 is a good start, and if we must we can always set out to lose 10-0 in the second leg at old trafford.

    August 14
    First Premiership game of the season, at Old Trafford, against Man City. We lose 1-0 :). This is the perfect start for us in my opinion and signals the beginning of the Glazer era.

    August 20
    Chilavert agrees to come to Manchester United, but his transfer is delayed for a freakin week for a work permit. BULL****!! He's like one of the most famous players in the world! Whatever, once he joins the squad I have a new penalty taker, a new free kick taker, and a new corner taker! Chilavert is a god!!

    August 21
    At Old Trafford we draw 2-2 with Southampton. We went up 1-0, then I made a devious tactical change and they scored 2 really fast, and then in the 90th minute they scored an own goal. Good job Southampton, you officially are the worst team ever.

    August 25
    Tim Howard agrees terms with Roma. Good, I want him to have the best career he can and not languish in the English Conference.

    YOU HAVE GOT TO BE ******* KIDDING ME!!! We beat Zilinia today, despite playing a 0-0-9 formation for the entire second half!! The game finished 1-0 and Phil Neville was sent off in the first half. So we advance to the damn group stage of the CL. How improbable is this crap! Oh, and that win was worth 4 million.

    August 28
    On appeal Chilavert gets his work permit, he'll be ready for the next game, but not today against Arsenal. We lost the game 3-1 with our star striker Phil Neville getting the goal. This formation is producing just a few too many goals for my liking, I'm going to have to do something about it.

    September 1
    Today we played our first Premiership game away from Old Trafford and lost 3-0 to Portsmouth. So far we have 1 point from 4 games which is dead last in the Premier League. My goal is to get real far into the cellar as fast as I can, so from there I can beat my rivals and hopefully get the board on my side.
     
  5. Fernandez

    Fernandez Team Captain

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    Don't you have a heart for a club that has lost its soul? :(
     
  6. JTNY

    JTNY Starting XI

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    Brilliant!
     
  7. Zlatan

    Zlatan Fan Favourite

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    Great story but shouldn't this be in the diary forum?
     
  8. Daz

    Daz Everyone's Favourite Diabetic

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    even though i'm a United fan, this does seem quite cool. Didn't you do a similar thing with Real Madrid?
     
  9. rpvankasteren

    rpvankasteren Fan Favourite

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    Why thank you for noticing, Max. See what happens when Tom isn't around? (H)

    I think I'll leave it here for the moment, we can use a good headliner. (Y)
     
  10. Fernandez

    Fernandez Team Captain

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    The diary forum is sooooo deaddddddd! :chew:
     
  11. Zlatan

    Zlatan Fan Favourite

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    Exactly this could cheer it up :)
     
  12. adj137

    adj137 Senior Squad

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    ahhh this brings back memories of trashing madrid, how did that end up?
     
  13. Oz_Leeds_Fan

    Oz_Leeds_Fan Senior Squad

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    Err read his other thread...
    Nice idea, its a sure sign of desperation tho...play sometheing else!!! there are other games you know :)
    Half Life 2, GTA San Andreas...both fun.
     
  14. PSVFOREVER

    PSVFOREVER Fan Favourite

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    Other games than FM? Crazy man, what are you talking about.
     
  15. adj137

    adj137 Senior Squad

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    well if you had actually read the goddamn thread you'd see it stopped with madrid being relegated from ligue 1 when at the time the impression was to absolutely destroy them into like semi-proffesional obscurity
     
  16. rpvankasteren

    rpvankasteren Fan Favourite

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  17. rony31

    rony31 Team Captain

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    HAHAHAHAHA :D brilliant stuff, Shifty, I'm in tears here :(
     
  18. Lock

    Lock Youth Team

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    so is this going to be continued? so far ive found it all very funny and humorous, keep it up!!
     
  19. ~X!.O^Q!.NG~

    ~X!.O^Q!.NG~ Youth Team

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    Haha!!

    Keep it coming....
    I read abt the other story on Madrid n I couldn't stop laughing as I read on... :ewan:
     
  20. panxoman

    panxoman Senior Squad

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    great history ShiftyPowers, keep it comming.

    I'm currently reading you're other thread about madrid and having a very nice time.
     
      

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