• This is a reminder of 3 IMPORTANT RULES:

    1- External self-promotion websites or apps are NOT allowed here, like Discord/Twitter/Patreon/etc.

    2- Do NOT post in other languages. English-only.

    3- Crack/Warez/Piracy talk is NOT allowed.

    Breaking any of the above rules will result in your messages being deleted and you will be banned upon repetition.

    Please, stop by this thread SoccerGaming Forum Rules And Guidelines and make sure you read and understand our policies.

    Thank you!

JOKES!! Post them here!

T

Thelonious

Senior Squad
those are shockers nannyville
:kader:

anyway I found this in a christmas cracker

Q: Whats Green and points North?
















A: A magnetic cucumber
 
J

Joe Star

Starting XI
Originally posted by Thelonious
those are shockers nannyville
:kader:

anyway I found this in a christmas cracker

Q: Whats Green and points North?
















A: A magnetic cucumber
Click to expand...

Thats wierd man........:S
 
J

jatin

Reserve Team
No disrespect for anyone with menatl illnesses...take this lightly:
Answering Service At Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
 
J

jatin

Reserve Team
Heres one..not for boys!

Smart Harry:

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of
her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?

"Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told the teacher he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?
"Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?
"Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the third-grade.

The teacher says to the principal, "Wait! Let me ask
him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of, that I have
only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?"(The principal wondered, why does she ask
such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?
"Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval,delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?"(The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?
"Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"(The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop theanswer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of
questions, okay?
"Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down! to get me up. I always get wet before you do.
"Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me
first."(Principal was looking restless and a bit
tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me,you feel good.
"Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver.
"Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: "Fire truck"

the principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put this ass in the fifth-grade! I got the
last ten questions wrong myself!"
 
T

Thelonious

Senior Squad
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. Guessing that sexual arousal might stir her from her coma the Doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The shocked doctor asks what happen to which the man replied: "I think she choked."
 
P

PhiLLer

Fan Favourite
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
 
A

aftab

Youth Team
young girl came back from school, and told her grandma who she often confided in, that a boy asked her out on a date. This was the first time she was going to go on a date. So she was pretty excited.

The grandma said to her, "well I got some advice for you, you dont know much about guys, but I'll tell u."

Grandma said, "For starters, the guy will try to hug u, you will like it, but dont do it. Then he will try to kiss you, you will like this very much too.. but dont do it.
Then he will try to touch you, you will find this really nice too, but dont let him do it.
But the most important advice I want to give you is, He will try to have his way with you, and try to get on top of you. This will be most pleasurable to you, but dont do it, for you will disgrace our family."

so.. with that advice, the girl went on her first date. When she came back home later that night, she went straight to her grandma to give her all the details of her little escapade. haha..

Girl : "Grandma! It was exactly like u said it would be.. he tried to hug me... kiss me. touch me.. and then he tried to get on top of me!! So I turned over and got on top of him and disgraced His family!"
 
J

Joe Star

Starting XI
:rockman: :rockman: :rockman:

Here's another one........
Corporate Lessons

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh1t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
 
P

Panna

Youth Team
this is no a joke.. but this is just a picture that cracked me up
ready..



































what a puff whahaha
 
D

Dan the monkey

Guest
haha look at the Fat guy in the white, i bet hes thinking the same thing:D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.


Top