Jokes (not insults) about nationalities...

[ZZbatam]

...russians, turks, jews, americans etc.

"World Wanking Championship"
First goes English:
-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, EEEEIIGHT!!!
Second is German:
-Eins, zwei, DREEIIII!!!
Finally Russian:
-RAAAAASSSSSS!!!

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Russian-American Jokes

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How does an American help heal the Russian economy?
-As does an injection into an artificial limb.


For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted Carlos*et, felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink.
-Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.
-Where did you get that from, old lady.
-Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.


An American has offered some caviar to Rabinowich.
-O, my goodness, said Rabinowich. How far are you dropped behind us! We ate this 50 years ago.


Carter and Brejenev came out from the adjacent doors and got together. -Finally we are completely disarmed, said Carter.
-Yes. Now we can trust each other, replayed Brejenev.
-Hey you! Stop talking and go back to your cells, shouted a Chinese warder.


News.
1. An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean.
None of our men were hurt.
2. Yesterday our country was perfidiously attacked by China.
Battle is in progress near Beijing.

News from abroad:
The first issue of dollars printed in the Russian language was announced today in Washington.

Sign on the wall of the American Army Green Beret headquarters:
"If you kill for joy, you are a sadist.
If you kill for money, you are a mercenary.
If you kill for both of the above, you are a Green Beret."

American jornalist interviews a Russian writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.

An American physician asked his Russian collegue:
- Is it true that there are cases in your country where a patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy reveal another cause of death.
- Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we treat them for.

A Russian and an American are talking:
- When I'm in a good mood I drive a car painted a light color, says the American. When I'm busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. When I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.
- Things are much easier in Russia, says the Russian. If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.

***************************************************************

Political anecdotes

IF WHAT THE COMMUNISTS ARE DOING WITH RUSSIA IS AN
EXPERIMENT, FOR THIS EXPERIMENT I WOULD NOT SPARE EVEN
A FROG.
Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918.


Joke contest at the eve of Lenin's 100 birthday:
3-d prize - 3 years in jail
2-d prize - 7 years in jail + a 5 year vacation in Siberia.
1-st prize - a meeting with the jubileer.


American style of risk:
Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France:
Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style:
Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway.
What is a bream?
-A whale that managed to swim to communism.

A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."
The audience wonders quietly, "What IS a horizon?"
-Answer: an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off when you try to get closer.

Rabinowich works in the Kremlin. He sits on Spassky Tower and looks into the distance in order to signal when he sees the communist ideal approaching. Americans try to lure him to their side to help them predict when an economic crisis is coming. Rabinowich, however, refuses their offer, insisting, "I need a permanent job."

Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone?
-Yes, but the delivery was by TV.

Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?

Is communism a science?
-No. If it were, they would've tried it on dogs first.

Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in ****, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?
-A crocodile.
What has 4 teeth and 40 legs?
-The Central Committee of the Communist Party.

A husband caught his wife with a lover.
"If I weren't a Party member," the husband shouted to his wife, "I would have broken your ribs and tossed you out of the window."
Lifting her hands to the sky, she answered,"Bless you and The Communist Party!"

"I disagree with the communists only on the agrarian issues," said Rabinowich. "They want me to lie in the ground, which is precisely what I want them to do."

Rabinowich was ostracized by The Communist Party. One night, he had a dream that Israel declared war on Russia and won. He next saw Moshe Dajan on the top of the Mausoleum, welcoming a demonstration of Russian Jews who yelled, "Reform Rabinowich! Reform Rabinowich!"

A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.

"Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"

Television tells us that our country abounds in food, and yet my refrigerator is empty. What's wrong with it?
Simple -- just hook up you refrigerator to a TV cable.

A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.
-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."

What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

When was the first Russian election held?
-The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."

Gorbachev sent some sausage overseas for analysis. Soon he received an answer:
-Mister Gorbachev, no helminth were detected in your excrement.


Chernenko is dying. At the last moment, the spirit of Brezhnev appears in front of him and says:
- Your term on earth has expired. You'll be transfered to another world soon. One thing I'd recommend to you though: take a spoon and fork with you.
- Is there a shortage of such things in that world? asks Chernenko.
- No, no, said Brezhnev. Normally not. However, when Hitler takes charge of the cafeteria there, he'll no doubt remove all utensils and force everyone to eat with a sickle and hammer.

Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a ******** of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

Brezhnev's nightmare:
Czechs sitting in Red Square and eating matso with chopsticks.

Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.

Brezhnev gives his radio address to the Russian people:
Comrades! I have 2 important anonuncements for you - one joyful and one wistful. The wistful news is that during the next 7 years we'll eat nothing but ****. And the joyful one is that there will be an abundance of it.

Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

Nixon asks God:
- When will unemployment go down in the US?
- In 20 years.
- Too bad that it won't happen during my lifetime, regrets Nixon. Brezhnev asks:
- When will the Russian people get a happy life?
- I regret it won't be during my lifetime, says God.

A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....

 

[ZZbatam]

'Armenian Radio' jokes

1
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will people have money when communism is built?”

We’re answering: “Some will, some will not.”

2
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build communism in America?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?”

3
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?”

We’re answering: “No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.”

4
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?”

We’re answering: “Temporary shortages.”

5
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?”

We’re answering: “In a capitalist society man exploits man, and in a socialist one, the other way around.”

6
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the capitalist and the socialist trade?”

We’re answering: “Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold. Socialist trade means everything is to be bought.”

7
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to make ends meet on salary alone?”

We’re answering: “We don't know, we never tried.”

8
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that American skyscrapers are the tallest in the world?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it's true, but on the other hand the Soviet-made transistors are the largest in the world.”

9
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What will be the results of the next elections?”

We’re answering: “Nobody can tell.” Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”

10
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?”

We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’”

11
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did you not broadcast for such a long time?”

We’re answering: “We had to make some changes in our staff. The previous broadcaster, while reading an article that contained the words ‘Socialism is nothing as compared with communism,’ made a pause too long after the word ‘nothing.’”

12
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.” Then, what is a horizon?”

We’re answering: “Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.”

13
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were opened?”

We’re answering: “Rush to Siberia at once in order not to be crushed in the stampede.”

14
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will the police still exist when communism is built?”

We’re answering: “Of course, not. By that time, all citizens will have learned how to arrest themselves.”

15
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What to do if a man you don't know takes a seat at your table in a pub and starts to sigh?”

We’re answering: “Immediately demand to stop the anti-Soviet propaganda.”

16
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in Switzerland?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but why? Did Switzerland really do something wrong to you?”

17
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What shall we do if suddenly we feel a desire to work?”

We’re answering: “Just rest for a while on a sofa. It will pass.”

18
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?”

We’re answering: “Because Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans don't help to get rid of the other.”

19
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the easiest way to explain the meaning of the word ‘communism’?”

We’re answering: “By means of fists.”

20
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did the man who shot at a government limousine on the Red Square miss the target?”

We’re answering: “Because citizens who happened to be next to him tried to wrest the gun from him and shouted, ‘Let me shoot!’”

21
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What to do if vodka interferes with the job?”

We’re answering: “Get off the job.”

22
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?”

We’re answering: “At Lenin's time, Russia was still only ankle-high in ****.”

23
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the duration of the workday in a socialist country?”

We’re answering: “Of course, it's an eight-hour workday: from eight am to eight pm.”

24
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is an exchange of opinions?”

We’re answering: “When you walk into your boss's office with your opinion and walk out with his.”

25
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Can a son of a General become a Marshal?”

We’re answering: “No, because every Marshal also has a son.”

26
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is a Soviet musical duet?”

We’re answering: “It's a musical quartet after a trip abroad.”

27
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “How to find out the precise time of the day?”

We’re answering: “A few seconds before noon, you'll hear a low-pitched tone followed by a high-pitched tone.” At that moment the time will be 12 noon, or at the most 12 and a quarter.”

28
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why is our government not in a hurry to land our men on the moon?”

We’re answering: “What if they refuse to return?”

29
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Was it possible to criticize Hitler?”

We’re answering: “Sure.” The same way as you criticized Stalin. You had to lock yourself in your bedroom, hide under two, or better three covers, place a pillow, or better two pillows on top of the blankets over your head, and then whisper whatever your soul wishes about the dictator, strictly adhering to a five-minute limit.”

30
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Which tea is better, Chinese or Soviet-grown?”

We’re answering: “Don't mix up in the confrontation between the superpowers. Drink coffee.”

31
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev ran around the Kremlin in a race. Nixon came the first. How should our media report on that?”

We’re answering: “The report should be as follows: ‘In the international running competition the General Secretary of the Communist Party took the honorable second place.’ Mister Nixon came in one before last.”

32
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will there be the third world war?”

We’re answering: “No, but the struggle for peace will reach such degree that there will be no stone left intact on the earth.”

33
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why policemen always walk the streets in teams of three?”

We’re answering: “The partners in the police team are always chosen in such a way that one of them knows how to read, the other how to write, and the third one, naturally, has to keep watch over those two intellectuals.”

34
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that there are two kinds of people serving as deputies of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR, as members of the Supreme Court, and as Soviet diplomats?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it is a true. One kind is those not capable of anything at all, and the other, those capable of anything whatsoever.”

35
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What if socialism were built in Greenland?”

We’re answering: “First snow would become available only through ration cards, and later snow would be distributed only to the KGB officers and their families.”

36
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is communism?”

We’re answering: “It's when everything will be available in stores. In other words, like it was under the Tsar Nicholas the Second.”

37
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”

We’re answering: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”

38
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why do we need two central newspapers, Pravda (Truth) and Izvestiya (News) if both are organs of the same Party?”

We’re answering: “Because in Pravda there is no news, and in Izvestiya there is no truth.”

39
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is it that starts with an R and never ends?”

We’re answering: “Reorganization.”

40
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in one stand-alone country?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but better to live in another country.”

41
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?”

We’re answering: “We don't answer questions related to agriculture.”

42
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is permitted and what is prohibited?”

We’re answering: “In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited.

In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited.

In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted.

In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited.

In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.

43
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is a one word joke?”

We’re answering: “Communism

44
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the longest joke?”

We’re answering: “The speech made by Khrushchev at the Party congress.”

45
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents have been exiled from the country?”

We’re answering: “Don't you know that the best products are always selected for export?”

46
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is there life on other planets?”

We’re answering: “On other planets there is also no life.”

47
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What methods do our enemies use in their subversive work against the socialist state?”

We’re answering: “Such questions we discuss in our program ‘Useful Advice.’”

48
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Are there questions you can't answer?”

We’re answering: “No. We approach our job in accordance with the Marx' dialectics. To any question we can give any answer.”

49
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did butter disappear from the stores' shelves?”

We’re answering: “It all has melted under the sun of the Soviet Constitution.”

50
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that Akopian had won last Sunday hundred thousand rubles in the state lottery?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it is true. Only it was not last Sunday but Monday. And it was not Akopian but Vagramian. And not in the state lottery but in checkers. And not hundred thousand but one hundred rubles. And not won but lost.”

 

[::shinji::]

No.. you've started enough crap threads for now.