Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue.
I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this
is ******* bull**** and you should kiss my mother-******* ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on
a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall
rating was sniffing 80.
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a ******* 12. I rate you a ******* 12 in Ethan Albright Football
2007; except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score
because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something.
Boom. Score one for Red Beard.
It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly **** and
piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. ****, John, I understand
you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod Smart has a 52
in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect
oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only
actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your
ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of **** teeth. If I take a night school class, could you jump me up to a 60?
I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. ****, man, there are some
****ty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst. I have received the impression that you feel that I am
lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over
furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start
walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up
and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut. Red Alert!
John, you are such a ******* dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a ******* zero? So you feel
that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked
in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my ******* face. **** that, John, I returned an onside
kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.
Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man
coverage (31) than zone (21). **** me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent
coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace
would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for
offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.
I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone
at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will
challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only
hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my
senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty
yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76
toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a ******* lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered
to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass ****wad that can't fall on a
kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose
your mind more and more each year, old man.
When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. **** you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the
rest of your life. If you **** with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.
Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright
! That sure was funny 
