Er, on a lighter note, here's some sample stuff from the F1 page on uncyclopedia.org (the opposite wikipedia):
Formula One, abbreviated to F1 and also known as
Grand Prix Racing is the highest and most ludicrously overrated mathematical formula in the world. It consists of a series of terms, known as Grand Prix, held on purpose-built circuits or closed city
streets, whose results determine two annual tangential components: one for drivers and one for constructors. There are other formulas, which includes Formula 13592050, Formula Flap and Formula 1 the second. Unfortunately no one cares about the others.
A typical Formula One car.
If you think driving a Formula One car is difficult and that the meaning of life is easier, click
here
Formula One originally began as Grand Prix Racing in the early 1950s, where teams of local car enthusiasts would meet outside the main shopping centre in
Paris and perform laps of the car park in vehicles resembling hairdryers on wheels. Its name stems from the nickname given to the event organiser,
Monsieur Eccleston, a local
mechanic and megalomaniac who was affectionately refferred to as "Le Grand Prix", roughly translated as "The Big Prick", after his tenacious and fiery character left its mark on the racers.
Races were lengthy, boring, and often dangerous, with competitors dying on a weekly basis. The sport surely would have died its
death had Eccleston not pumped large amounts of money into the upkeep of the car park, but the biggest factor in the survival of the sport was the introduction of on-car advertising, after British team
Churchill allowed tissue manufacturers Kleenex to advertise their newest range on the nose of the vehicle and paint it the colour of mucus. Although Kleenex later pulled out of the deal when driver Stirling Dross lost his nose after a collision with a shopping trolley, the British team kept the car colour and dubbed it "British Racing Green".
When teams arrive for a Grand Prix meeting, there is a series of events leading up to the actual race that must be performed. On the Friday of race weekend, a press conference is held that, in theory, allows the drivers to brag, boast and generally trash-talk to one another to get it out of their system. In reality, most of the questions are directed at Micky Shoemaker, with the occasional one being pitched to Sid Kick (these, however, can generally be answered with a monosyllabic response). This is because Shoemaker is first of all the only person anyone ever recognises, and secondly the press
know that if they even
look like they might ask Stall Poddart a question, then he'll start whinging and whining and generally be a nuisance without shutting up. The conference also gives Cole Trickle an opportunity to insist he is not gay.
Following the press conference, the first round of qualifying begins on Saturday mornings. Qualifying is a combination of a driver's past performance, popularity, a foot race and random chance. This generally means that Shoemaker and Kick will qualify first and second, with everyone else just making up their minds as to where they will start on Sunday morning because the two Ferrero Rochers always win. Afterwards, everyone climbs into their cars and drives around for a bit. This move was implemented to deal with criticism over the fact that a foot race (usually to the nearest
bar) has nothing to do with racing cars. Counter-critics say that, despite driving ability improving in
some people by 3500% with each beverage consumed, racing cars might actually be dangerous.
Sunday has a ritual of its own, usually beginning with Poddart's team being thrown out and Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. engaging in more of their trademark blatant self-promotion. Many drivers usually like to take a nap early in the morning, and the race officials are willing to wait for everyone to wake up before beginning. This means the race can start at any time from 11am to 11pm - Kimberly Rakkynen is notorious for making sure her makeup is
just right - with the cars lining up on the grid. A series of lights count down to the beginning of the race, starting with red and changing to orange, yellow, red, red, green, blue, red, black,
white,
beige,
ivory,
bone,
off-white,
egg-shell, red and finally green.
The race itself is usually run over fifty laps, however on all Tilke-designed courses, the race ends when the drivers get bored, which is usually after a lap and a half. During the race, all drivers are required to make three compulsory pit stops: one to change the tyres, one to refuel, and one so that the driver can take a leak, after which they all go out again and drive around in circles, careful not to do something as ungentlemanly(/unladylike/un-it-like) as overtake. At the end of the race, tropies are awarded to the first place driver - Shoemaker - who will then to a victory dance and spray something that looks like
champagne and smells like
champagne, but tastes like
something else entirely over everyone. No-one knows what it is, but it comes from
France.
Controversy Surrounding Micky Shoemaker
In recent years, allegations of cheating by Micky Shoemaker have been made by other teams following a bizzare series of accidents. These claims were first made in 1994 when, going into the final round, the car of a rival competitior for the World Championship exploded mid-race at a time when the driver was just one point behind Shoemaker. The race was controversial in its own right as it ran through the People's Democratic (But Not Overly So) Republican Monarchy of Zugabia, which was currently in the middle of a cease-fire after its four hundred and ninety-first bloody civil war. The explosion of the car - no-one remembers the driver's name, but he now works for
Pizza Hut - resulted in ethnic tensions flaring up again.
In 1997, Shoemaker was again called into question when security footage arose of him giggling as he planted what looked suspiciously like a bomb on his opponent's car in the final round of the World Championship, this time held in Antarctica. He was cleared after the explosion when Oscar Wilde theorised that the explosion may have been caused by a slip in the
time-space continuum. 1997 was also the year
Hermann Tilke was fired for building tracks in "exotic" places after the Antarctican and Zugabian incidents.
In 2000 Shoemaker was at it again, this time when he was awarded a Stop-Go Penalty. Although such penalties are commonly awarded for displaying exemplary driving skills such as hitting pedestrians and the occasional streaker, Shoemaker-gate Number 3 was notable because it was the first time a driver actually bothered to take the penalty.
Finally, in Monaco, 2006, Shoemaker claimed to have lost control of his car at 1.6km/h. The resulting accident demolished a city block and caused a two-hundred metre section of track to collapse into the ocean, no mean feat given that the circuit was six kilometres from anything resembling a body of water. Some believe this was an effort to stop his opponents from setting a qualifying time that would beat his pole position, though the Sid Kick, the only person who could rival him, was out after his car detonated in practice. When asked about Shoemaker-gate Number No-One-Is-Counting-Any-More, the man himself was quoted as saying "Oops".