Some gems that have been circulating in the English press over the last couple of weeks:
What is the difference between England and a teabag?
The teabag stays longer in the cup.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in SA this morning. "It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible", said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
My computer's been infected by the Robert Green virus. Now I can't save anything.
Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door
I washed my England shirt the other day.
Went to get it off the line when it was dry and some thieving bastard had stolen the clothes pegs.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.
Rihanna and Emile Heskey are now dating. She said "I'm happy to be with a man that I know cannot beat anyone."
England's Heroes Return Home
When the English Football Team flew home, they arrived to a rapturous welcome at the airport. Thousands of fans clapped, cheered and waved flags as the team disembarked from the plane.
Fabio Capello, the coach, was smiling as he told the waiting reporters. "I am delighted to be in Scotland and very happy that the plane was diverted to Glasgow Airport".
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
Osama Bin Laden appeared in a new TV message proving he is still alive. He said, 'The English football team were #@%!$ again'. British intelligence have dismissed it, saying this statement could have been recorded at any time in the last 44 years.