Ok, im probably gonna get shot down for "opening up" here on Soccergaming, but i thought ive talked to some of you on MSN about this, so i thought i might aswell post it here.
Basically, ive always had a massive problem with confidence in doing new things, and its important to note that it is "new" things, when in my element, whether it be at university or at the cinema, im practically over-confident. However, as soon as anything new comes along im rather pathetic. Let me explain.
When i was 7 i changed from a local school to a school my parents taught at, bringing 2 problems. 1. I always had my parents to fall back on, so i didnt learn independence between the ages of 7-11 that every kid should try at. 2. I lived nowhere near my mates, so once school finished; that was it. Back in those days no-one had mobile phones.
When i went to comprehensive (11-16) it didnt help either, unfortunatly i lived a fair few miles away from school, and, despite being again, VERY popular at school, once the bell rang at 3.20 on Fridays, no-one would hear from me until Monday.
For a while this didnt bother me, i plodded along enjoying my school life and the close friends that i had. Until probably around Y10 (14/15years old), when people started "doing stuff", whether this be having their first girlfriend/boyfriend or just going out for a bit, e.g. to the cinema. Living so far away and with too busy parents to take me anywhere AND having never rode a bus before (was always driven places or walked), i was somewhat stranded.
Obviously as i headed into Y11 (16ish), i started to use the bus a little bit, but nowhere near enough to keep up with what were now, rather confident and adult-nearing teenagers. To me it was still easier to stay in and contact people by early use of the net or by mobile phones. (I joined SG when i was 15).
Then i went to college (16-18), this was a big leap in my chracter, from kind-of dorky but all the same loved friend, now i was somewhat more charismatic in that element, and the gulf of this school-to-outside school was increasing. What i mean by that is, because i am (essentially) quite friendly and charismatic, making friends at college was really very easy, and again i was seen as very popular at college. However, AGAIN, i didnt live near the college, meaning while buses where easy to catch during the day, to go out at night with friends would have been extremley hard, so yet again, i started to put it off.
As i entered my second year at college, it hit me that a lot of friends now had relationships and more importantly, MANY (if not all) were going out once a week, drinking and socialising in Rotherham itself (not just on... fields). This is where the probs have started, because i never experienced the "fields" or just "hanging round near bus stops" that almost every kid has experienced, i wasnt ready to start going "down town", because it would have been a stupidly big leap.
Basically i started to get scared, because suddenly i realised that out of college i was like the kid in the supermarket who has lost his mum, you know, for those few little seconds when you are petrifyed? I realised that when people were asking me and i was saying no, i was getting further and further astray.
It also didnt help that id never worked, almost all of my friends had more confidence by having Sat jobs and aqquiring new mates that way around. Instead i still clung on to the traditional "child-like" way of making friends through school.
Basically at the end of college a lot of my friends were going out and i never did, the idea of doing something - such a MASSIVE leap to me such as going into a club scared the **** out of me, because id never had any... prior knowledge. The only way i could describe it is going to the moon without any training, with the distinct possiblity you could die.
I know to you guys this must sound hillarious, but try to understand it from my POV.
Anyway, now at uni i find myself in pretty much the same position, in some contexts ive learnt to be more sociable, i now frequently go to the cinema (something my mates were doing at 13/14) but still, im massively popular at Uni but im known somewhat as a "he never goes out" kind of person.
A good way of describing this is to talk about the party i had last Thursday (check member photo thread). If im gonna be honest with you guys, thats the first "party" ive been to since i was 11. Also, its the first time ive seen any of my mates "drunk".
I know this probably sounds really stupid and infantile, but you have to understand that ive never done anything before, between the ages of 7 and 15 i pretty much had no way of interacting with friends outside of school, mainly i should say due to my parents worries.
Its not just confidence in going out as well. If im gonna be honest, ive never had a girlfriend, nor have i ever asked one out. Mainly because i dont know how! I was talking to a girl at this party the other day for ages, afterwards my mate hit me, saying "she was totally coming on to you for AGES and you did **** all about it!?", but, and im being honest here, i had no idea. ITs not that i couldnt read the signs, i didnt even know there were any.
See, i never had all that "my mate wants to go out with your mate", becayse almost all of that went on OUTSIDE of school, hence going back to my underlying problem. Ive never asked anyone out, because mainly, i wouldnt know how to do it AND, again id be scared of what came after it because id never done it before, which once again leads to anxiety-attack symptons.
Some of you may know i used to play cricket, did i ****, i played two games. Again my confidence got the better of me, when i knew i was playing on the Sunday, id worry all week at what might happen because it was "unknown" until i got into such a state that i couldnt do it anymore, because i was so terrifyed of what i dont know.
Its the same with anything new, especially stuff thats done after dark. Now, i know that sounds silly but think about it from my perspective, as a kid i never went out after .... say 8pm, even with family. Also, i finished college/uni at around 5ish at the latest, so never late. So while it sounds silly, even NIGHT is somewhat of an unkown for me, also creating anxiety.
What im tryingt to get at here is that anything i dont know is totally petrifying to me, no matter HOW much my mates tell me its ok, i cant do it. E.g. asking someone out, actually HAVING a girlfriend, having sex, going to a club, go to a football match and on and on. Simply a massive list, think of anything new and im likely to be scared of doing it.
Take me on SG here, this to me is totaly easy, because its something i know. Ive been to the cinema... 50 times or so in my life, to me that is totally easy. HOWEVER, tell me to go to a new cinema in central and Sheffield and thats different, suddenly thats something new and im unsure, i KNOW there is no rational reason for me to be scared, it is simply the unknow that is scaring me.
I AM trying to change, going to the party on Thursday was a big thing for me, with my mate Beccas help to make sure i didnt get too worried, i was able to have a great time once i was there (which is interesting) but again i wasnt sure of what would happen later in the night, and again a bit of apprehencion creeped in. Finally, it got the better of me and after a great match i managed to get a lift home instead of sleeping over, again heres another one for you - ive never slept at any house but my own, so, again that made me anxious. Having said this it was still a big thing for me, and im happy bout it.
Also getting a job over xmas and getting work experience was a big step forward, all of a sudden i could no longer rely on the same things that made me popular at school, and unsurprisngly i didnt make friends as easily in the two work places as i did in my "normal" environment. Despite this, i enjoyed both, mainly (IMO) because they were during the day AND in places i knew (Meadowhall and a part of Sheffield).
Basically i need to change, next year im going into a house with my friends and they assure me ill come on leaps and bounds, but to be honest i dont wanna rely on that because there will always be the incentive to "stay in my room", and i can just see me chickening out like that if my mate becca isnt there!
Some of my friends suggest i go and see "someone", maybe a psychologist or a doctor, to try and get confidence-related help, but the ironic thing about that is that that itself makes me nervous because it is a place i dont know, someone i dont know, and as subject i dont know. Even writing in this thread im unsure about because ive never said this to anyone (like this).
Before you all reply with the following, i might aswell get it out of the way. MOST people simply say; "face your fear", and yes, its obviously the best way as i found out at the party, however, it simply isnt that easy for some people who find so many things scary. If it was just one thing, say, spiders. Then that would be ok, but you have to understand this is almost all aspects of my world, essentially im living in a world of fear, which is getting pathetic. My mate said to me the other day; "so what would you do if someone DID ask you out", and i had to be honest, id say no. Because id get so panicked about what it all meant (spending time with someone, buying stuff, appearing good, being funny) that it just would scare me, and my mate couldnt understand - which was hardly helpful.
Anyway, not sure what im really asking you guys, but in a sense im just finally telling you who the real Tom is. I may appear friendly, at ease and to be honest, quite confident on the forum, but the real Tom is a very different person
Thanks for listening guys.
Basically, ive always had a massive problem with confidence in doing new things, and its important to note that it is "new" things, when in my element, whether it be at university or at the cinema, im practically over-confident. However, as soon as anything new comes along im rather pathetic. Let me explain.
When i was 7 i changed from a local school to a school my parents taught at, bringing 2 problems. 1. I always had my parents to fall back on, so i didnt learn independence between the ages of 7-11 that every kid should try at. 2. I lived nowhere near my mates, so once school finished; that was it. Back in those days no-one had mobile phones.
When i went to comprehensive (11-16) it didnt help either, unfortunatly i lived a fair few miles away from school, and, despite being again, VERY popular at school, once the bell rang at 3.20 on Fridays, no-one would hear from me until Monday.
For a while this didnt bother me, i plodded along enjoying my school life and the close friends that i had. Until probably around Y10 (14/15years old), when people started "doing stuff", whether this be having their first girlfriend/boyfriend or just going out for a bit, e.g. to the cinema. Living so far away and with too busy parents to take me anywhere AND having never rode a bus before (was always driven places or walked), i was somewhat stranded.
Obviously as i headed into Y11 (16ish), i started to use the bus a little bit, but nowhere near enough to keep up with what were now, rather confident and adult-nearing teenagers. To me it was still easier to stay in and contact people by early use of the net or by mobile phones. (I joined SG when i was 15).
Then i went to college (16-18), this was a big leap in my chracter, from kind-of dorky but all the same loved friend, now i was somewhat more charismatic in that element, and the gulf of this school-to-outside school was increasing. What i mean by that is, because i am (essentially) quite friendly and charismatic, making friends at college was really very easy, and again i was seen as very popular at college. However, AGAIN, i didnt live near the college, meaning while buses where easy to catch during the day, to go out at night with friends would have been extremley hard, so yet again, i started to put it off.
As i entered my second year at college, it hit me that a lot of friends now had relationships and more importantly, MANY (if not all) were going out once a week, drinking and socialising in Rotherham itself (not just on... fields). This is where the probs have started, because i never experienced the "fields" or just "hanging round near bus stops" that almost every kid has experienced, i wasnt ready to start going "down town", because it would have been a stupidly big leap.
Basically i started to get scared, because suddenly i realised that out of college i was like the kid in the supermarket who has lost his mum, you know, for those few little seconds when you are petrifyed? I realised that when people were asking me and i was saying no, i was getting further and further astray.
It also didnt help that id never worked, almost all of my friends had more confidence by having Sat jobs and aqquiring new mates that way around. Instead i still clung on to the traditional "child-like" way of making friends through school.
Basically at the end of college a lot of my friends were going out and i never did, the idea of doing something - such a MASSIVE leap to me such as going into a club scared the **** out of me, because id never had any... prior knowledge. The only way i could describe it is going to the moon without any training, with the distinct possiblity you could die.
I know to you guys this must sound hillarious, but try to understand it from my POV.
Anyway, now at uni i find myself in pretty much the same position, in some contexts ive learnt to be more sociable, i now frequently go to the cinema (something my mates were doing at 13/14) but still, im massively popular at Uni but im known somewhat as a "he never goes out" kind of person.
A good way of describing this is to talk about the party i had last Thursday (check member photo thread). If im gonna be honest with you guys, thats the first "party" ive been to since i was 11. Also, its the first time ive seen any of my mates "drunk".
I know this probably sounds really stupid and infantile, but you have to understand that ive never done anything before, between the ages of 7 and 15 i pretty much had no way of interacting with friends outside of school, mainly i should say due to my parents worries.
Its not just confidence in going out as well. If im gonna be honest, ive never had a girlfriend, nor have i ever asked one out. Mainly because i dont know how! I was talking to a girl at this party the other day for ages, afterwards my mate hit me, saying "she was totally coming on to you for AGES and you did **** all about it!?", but, and im being honest here, i had no idea. ITs not that i couldnt read the signs, i didnt even know there were any.
See, i never had all that "my mate wants to go out with your mate", becayse almost all of that went on OUTSIDE of school, hence going back to my underlying problem. Ive never asked anyone out, because mainly, i wouldnt know how to do it AND, again id be scared of what came after it because id never done it before, which once again leads to anxiety-attack symptons.
Some of you may know i used to play cricket, did i ****, i played two games. Again my confidence got the better of me, when i knew i was playing on the Sunday, id worry all week at what might happen because it was "unknown" until i got into such a state that i couldnt do it anymore, because i was so terrifyed of what i dont know.
Its the same with anything new, especially stuff thats done after dark. Now, i know that sounds silly but think about it from my perspective, as a kid i never went out after .... say 8pm, even with family. Also, i finished college/uni at around 5ish at the latest, so never late. So while it sounds silly, even NIGHT is somewhat of an unkown for me, also creating anxiety.
What im tryingt to get at here is that anything i dont know is totally petrifying to me, no matter HOW much my mates tell me its ok, i cant do it. E.g. asking someone out, actually HAVING a girlfriend, having sex, going to a club, go to a football match and on and on. Simply a massive list, think of anything new and im likely to be scared of doing it.
Take me on SG here, this to me is totaly easy, because its something i know. Ive been to the cinema... 50 times or so in my life, to me that is totally easy. HOWEVER, tell me to go to a new cinema in central and Sheffield and thats different, suddenly thats something new and im unsure, i KNOW there is no rational reason for me to be scared, it is simply the unknow that is scaring me.
I AM trying to change, going to the party on Thursday was a big thing for me, with my mate Beccas help to make sure i didnt get too worried, i was able to have a great time once i was there (which is interesting) but again i wasnt sure of what would happen later in the night, and again a bit of apprehencion creeped in. Finally, it got the better of me and after a great match i managed to get a lift home instead of sleeping over, again heres another one for you - ive never slept at any house but my own, so, again that made me anxious. Having said this it was still a big thing for me, and im happy bout it.
Also getting a job over xmas and getting work experience was a big step forward, all of a sudden i could no longer rely on the same things that made me popular at school, and unsurprisngly i didnt make friends as easily in the two work places as i did in my "normal" environment. Despite this, i enjoyed both, mainly (IMO) because they were during the day AND in places i knew (Meadowhall and a part of Sheffield).
Basically i need to change, next year im going into a house with my friends and they assure me ill come on leaps and bounds, but to be honest i dont wanna rely on that because there will always be the incentive to "stay in my room", and i can just see me chickening out like that if my mate becca isnt there!
Some of my friends suggest i go and see "someone", maybe a psychologist or a doctor, to try and get confidence-related help, but the ironic thing about that is that that itself makes me nervous because it is a place i dont know, someone i dont know, and as subject i dont know. Even writing in this thread im unsure about because ive never said this to anyone (like this).
Before you all reply with the following, i might aswell get it out of the way. MOST people simply say; "face your fear", and yes, its obviously the best way as i found out at the party, however, it simply isnt that easy for some people who find so many things scary. If it was just one thing, say, spiders. Then that would be ok, but you have to understand this is almost all aspects of my world, essentially im living in a world of fear, which is getting pathetic. My mate said to me the other day; "so what would you do if someone DID ask you out", and i had to be honest, id say no. Because id get so panicked about what it all meant (spending time with someone, buying stuff, appearing good, being funny) that it just would scare me, and my mate couldnt understand - which was hardly helpful.
Anyway, not sure what im really asking you guys, but in a sense im just finally telling you who the real Tom is. I may appear friendly, at ease and to be honest, quite confident on the forum, but the real Tom is a very different person
Thanks for listening guys.
