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Arsenal Thread
- Thread starter Bobby
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i just read this and it's funny as hell
it's on ttp://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/
THE DES KELLY COLUMN
HOT TO BEAT THE GUNNERS IN 12 EASY STEPS
HOW do we stop Arsenal? When I say "we", I don't mean me personally, of course, since I have a dental appointment that day. But it's certainly high time someone threw a large spanner and various other items of a tool-like variety into the Gunners' works.
We are barely into spring and already the season has turned into the most one-sided contest since Richard "Rubber Legs" Dunn fought Muhammad Ali, only to be stopped after five embarrassing rounds due to severe canvas burns.
Arsenal, incredibly, remain unbeaten in the Premiership after 27 matches, a run which stretches back seven months. They are gearing up for another FA Cup semi-final and have taken to strolling unchallenged through Europe like an asylum seeker.
This sequence must end some time, but when and, more importantly, how, since the greatest brains in world football appear totally confounded by Arsene Wenger at the moment?
Luckily help is at hand in the shape of this essential column. I should explain here that I come from a football family. We have footballs in our veins, which explains our history of high blood pressure, sudden arterial blockages and strokes.
But it's a background which has also provided me with a wealth of experience when it comes to losing without grace, and so I present the despicable tactics needed by those seeking to engineer the downfall of Arsenal's burgeoning empire.
1. BUY WENGER A RACEHORSE
Once the Frenchman gets that whiff of expensive manure, he'll become completely intoxicated and forget about the mundane matter of managing his own football team. He will prefer to stroll around the parade ring, study form guides and embark on an insane legal battle with a major shareholder over the breeding rights of one nag. Chaos is guaranteed and a previously invincible outfit will be more certain to lose than a Kieren Fallon favourite.
2. SELL THE BEST PLAYER TO REAL
A simple ploy. Take the most talented and glamorous individual in the side, wait for the manager to hit him in the face with a flying football boot, embark on a bitter feud with his wife and then use this animosity as an excuse to hawk the star off to the biggest club in Europe. Should the manager choose a more rational approach, get onto the Real Madrid website and bombard them with emails demanding Thierry Henry lines up with David Beckham. It could be the deal of the summer.
3. SEND THEM TO TRAIN AT LA MANGA
There is nothing like a trip to the Spanish sunshine resort to ensure the team "bonds" properly. For what could draw the players closer together than a lengthy spell in a Spanish jail cell? This is a sure-fire ploy since it's difficult for any club to win a title when half the team is behind bars. They won't drop the soap in the prison showers, but they will drop points.
4. MAKE THE CENTRE-HALF 'FORGET' A DRUGS TEST
Easy. Wait until a top defender is surrounded by drug-testers at the training ground and queueing to fill his test tube. Then pounce. Wave your Versace discount card in the air, say "let's go shopping big boy" and the modern centre-half will immediately dash to the high street in search of a rabbit-skin greatcoat, blotting all memory of any mandatory drugs test from his mind. During the subsequent eight-month ban, the rest of the back four will impersonate the Keystone Kops on LSD and the season will be as good as over. No testing required.
5. PERSUADE THE 'KEEPER THAT PONYTAILS ARE IN
Germans haven't really cut much of a dash in the fashion stakes since those SS uniforms were abruptly dispensed with in the mid-1940s. So Arsenal's peculiar goalkeeper Jens Lehmann is a prime candidate for some drastic "re-styling". And what could be better for a keeper than the soft-porn moustache and flowing ponytail? Blessed with Seamanesque tresses, Lehmann will find his reactions slow to a snail's pace, he becomes unable to jump and allows anything fired from the half-way line to sail over his head. They think it's all over - and it will be.
6. GIVE POINTS FOR CROWD NOISE
Yes, the football might be pretty in north London right now, but remember there's little in the way of ambient noise to distract those Arsenal players from mastering their skills. It's not called "Highbury The Library" without good reason. The decibel level rarely rises above a whisper, while every Dennis Bergkamp pass is met with a polite ripple of applause and the audible rustle of programme pages being disturbed by the breeze. Lobby the Football Association to reward passionate vocal support with points and the Gunners will be fighting relegation.
7. APPOINT PUBLICITY PETE AS CHAIRMAN
It's all very well having a board which runs the club in a restrained, low-key manner, marshalling the finances frugally, scooping up transfer bargains for next to nothing and patiently building for the future. But big clubs need big chancers - I mean characters - like Publicity Pete Ridsdale. He is the man who put Leeds where they are today - rock-bottom. And one season of Ridsdale in the boardroom "living the dream" would give Arsenal a certain nightmare.
8. MOVE THE NEW STADIUM TO MILTON KEYNES
Arsenal's plan to relocate to Ashburton Grove looks in place and the design for a sparkling new arena suggests they mean business. But there is still time to wreck this. Pose as a local resident, organise violent protests and offer up Milton Keynes as the viable alternative.
It is the only urban conurbation with concrete cows but no football team and the Gunners will disappear as soon as they land in MK. Look at what happened to Wimbledon.
9. SELL THEM DIEGO FORLAN
I'll even start the whip-round.
10. MAKE THEM PLAY IN MASKS
Not any old masks, mind, but Martin Keown masks. One Keown is bad enough, but no side could cope with the trauma of discovering 11 Keowns anout to bear down on them. Every matchday would become Hallowe'en and the terrified Arsenal squad would flee through the Highbury tunnel and head for the Eurotunnel instead.
11. GET TONY ADAMS TO DO THE TEAM TALKS
Big Tone loves a book more than a bottle these days and he could motivate the lads with extracts from Jane Austen and Marcel Proust, interspersed with tales from the good old days when the Gooners drank their way to 1-0 wins and a few nights at Her Majesty's Pleasure.
It's an approach which has established Adams' Wycombe Wanderers as the 24th-best team in Division Two. Or, to put it another way, the first worst in Division Two.
12. HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN
The Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri was right. He said the only way to stop Arsenal was to "shoot them". A bit extreme and punishable by law I believe, although certainly effective.
But Arsenal are playing football comparable to any of the great sides of the modern era and if we're going to fire anything at them right now, then it probably should be compliments.
it's on ttp://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/
THE DES KELLY COLUMN
HOT TO BEAT THE GUNNERS IN 12 EASY STEPS
HOW do we stop Arsenal? When I say "we", I don't mean me personally, of course, since I have a dental appointment that day. But it's certainly high time someone threw a large spanner and various other items of a tool-like variety into the Gunners' works.
We are barely into spring and already the season has turned into the most one-sided contest since Richard "Rubber Legs" Dunn fought Muhammad Ali, only to be stopped after five embarrassing rounds due to severe canvas burns.
Arsenal, incredibly, remain unbeaten in the Premiership after 27 matches, a run which stretches back seven months. They are gearing up for another FA Cup semi-final and have taken to strolling unchallenged through Europe like an asylum seeker.
This sequence must end some time, but when and, more importantly, how, since the greatest brains in world football appear totally confounded by Arsene Wenger at the moment?
Luckily help is at hand in the shape of this essential column. I should explain here that I come from a football family. We have footballs in our veins, which explains our history of high blood pressure, sudden arterial blockages and strokes.
But it's a background which has also provided me with a wealth of experience when it comes to losing without grace, and so I present the despicable tactics needed by those seeking to engineer the downfall of Arsenal's burgeoning empire.
1. BUY WENGER A RACEHORSE
Once the Frenchman gets that whiff of expensive manure, he'll become completely intoxicated and forget about the mundane matter of managing his own football team. He will prefer to stroll around the parade ring, study form guides and embark on an insane legal battle with a major shareholder over the breeding rights of one nag. Chaos is guaranteed and a previously invincible outfit will be more certain to lose than a Kieren Fallon favourite.
2. SELL THE BEST PLAYER TO REAL
A simple ploy. Take the most talented and glamorous individual in the side, wait for the manager to hit him in the face with a flying football boot, embark on a bitter feud with his wife and then use this animosity as an excuse to hawk the star off to the biggest club in Europe. Should the manager choose a more rational approach, get onto the Real Madrid website and bombard them with emails demanding Thierry Henry lines up with David Beckham. It could be the deal of the summer.
3. SEND THEM TO TRAIN AT LA MANGA
There is nothing like a trip to the Spanish sunshine resort to ensure the team "bonds" properly. For what could draw the players closer together than a lengthy spell in a Spanish jail cell? This is a sure-fire ploy since it's difficult for any club to win a title when half the team is behind bars. They won't drop the soap in the prison showers, but they will drop points.
4. MAKE THE CENTRE-HALF 'FORGET' A DRUGS TEST
Easy. Wait until a top defender is surrounded by drug-testers at the training ground and queueing to fill his test tube. Then pounce. Wave your Versace discount card in the air, say "let's go shopping big boy" and the modern centre-half will immediately dash to the high street in search of a rabbit-skin greatcoat, blotting all memory of any mandatory drugs test from his mind. During the subsequent eight-month ban, the rest of the back four will impersonate the Keystone Kops on LSD and the season will be as good as over. No testing required.
5. PERSUADE THE 'KEEPER THAT PONYTAILS ARE IN
Germans haven't really cut much of a dash in the fashion stakes since those SS uniforms were abruptly dispensed with in the mid-1940s. So Arsenal's peculiar goalkeeper Jens Lehmann is a prime candidate for some drastic "re-styling". And what could be better for a keeper than the soft-porn moustache and flowing ponytail? Blessed with Seamanesque tresses, Lehmann will find his reactions slow to a snail's pace, he becomes unable to jump and allows anything fired from the half-way line to sail over his head. They think it's all over - and it will be.
6. GIVE POINTS FOR CROWD NOISE
Yes, the football might be pretty in north London right now, but remember there's little in the way of ambient noise to distract those Arsenal players from mastering their skills. It's not called "Highbury The Library" without good reason. The decibel level rarely rises above a whisper, while every Dennis Bergkamp pass is met with a polite ripple of applause and the audible rustle of programme pages being disturbed by the breeze. Lobby the Football Association to reward passionate vocal support with points and the Gunners will be fighting relegation.
7. APPOINT PUBLICITY PETE AS CHAIRMAN
It's all very well having a board which runs the club in a restrained, low-key manner, marshalling the finances frugally, scooping up transfer bargains for next to nothing and patiently building for the future. But big clubs need big chancers - I mean characters - like Publicity Pete Ridsdale. He is the man who put Leeds where they are today - rock-bottom. And one season of Ridsdale in the boardroom "living the dream" would give Arsenal a certain nightmare.
8. MOVE THE NEW STADIUM TO MILTON KEYNES
Arsenal's plan to relocate to Ashburton Grove looks in place and the design for a sparkling new arena suggests they mean business. But there is still time to wreck this. Pose as a local resident, organise violent protests and offer up Milton Keynes as the viable alternative.
It is the only urban conurbation with concrete cows but no football team and the Gunners will disappear as soon as they land in MK. Look at what happened to Wimbledon.
9. SELL THEM DIEGO FORLAN
I'll even start the whip-round.
10. MAKE THEM PLAY IN MASKS
Not any old masks, mind, but Martin Keown masks. One Keown is bad enough, but no side could cope with the trauma of discovering 11 Keowns anout to bear down on them. Every matchday would become Hallowe'en and the terrified Arsenal squad would flee through the Highbury tunnel and head for the Eurotunnel instead.
11. GET TONY ADAMS TO DO THE TEAM TALKS
Big Tone loves a book more than a bottle these days and he could motivate the lads with extracts from Jane Austen and Marcel Proust, interspersed with tales from the good old days when the Gooners drank their way to 1-0 wins and a few nights at Her Majesty's Pleasure.
It's an approach which has established Adams' Wycombe Wanderers as the 24th-best team in Division Two. Or, to put it another way, the first worst in Division Two.
12. HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN
The Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri was right. He said the only way to stop Arsenal was to "shoot them". A bit extreme and punishable by law I believe, although certainly effective.
But Arsenal are playing football comparable to any of the great sides of the modern era and if we're going to fire anything at them right now, then it probably should be compliments.
Awards treble for Arsenal
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger has been named Barclaycard manager of the month for February with the player's accolade going jointly to Dennis Bergkamp and Edu.
The Gunners won all five of their matches in the month and are currently on a run of 29 unbeaten Premiership games.
Nic Gault of the Barclaycard awards panel said: 'Arsene Wenger has turned up the heat on the other Premiership title contenders with some excellent performances. They would appear to be the complete team at the moment, with pace, skill, vision and control.
'The panel were equally split between Edu and Bergkamp so we felt it was entirely appropriate that we make a joint award in this instance.
'While Bergkamp has been a Highbury favourite for the last nine years, Edu is still a north London new boy but he has quickly adapted to the hustle and bustle of Premiership football and is one of their most influential players.'
Meanwhile, Arsenal striker Thierry Henry was today presented with a special award from Barclaycard for being the first player this season to reach the 20-goal landmark in the Premiership.
The award is part of the Barclaycard Race for the Golden Boot, in which the first player to reach the 10, 20 and 30-goal landmarks receives a special award and a charitable donation.
The ultimate winner of the boot will win £1,000 for every goal he has scored for a charity of his choice - Henry hit the 20-goal mark when he netted against Charlton in Arsenal's 2-1 home win on February 28.
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger has been named Barclaycard manager of the month for February with the player's accolade going jointly to Dennis Bergkamp and Edu.
The Gunners won all five of their matches in the month and are currently on a run of 29 unbeaten Premiership games.
Nic Gault of the Barclaycard awards panel said: 'Arsene Wenger has turned up the heat on the other Premiership title contenders with some excellent performances. They would appear to be the complete team at the moment, with pace, skill, vision and control.
'The panel were equally split between Edu and Bergkamp so we felt it was entirely appropriate that we make a joint award in this instance.
'While Bergkamp has been a Highbury favourite for the last nine years, Edu is still a north London new boy but he has quickly adapted to the hustle and bustle of Premiership football and is one of their most influential players.'
Meanwhile, Arsenal striker Thierry Henry was today presented with a special award from Barclaycard for being the first player this season to reach the 20-goal landmark in the Premiership.
The award is part of the Barclaycard Race for the Golden Boot, in which the first player to reach the 10, 20 and 30-goal landmarks receives a special award and a charitable donation.
The ultimate winner of the boot will win £1,000 for every goal he has scored for a charity of his choice - Henry hit the 20-goal mark when he netted against Charlton in Arsenal's 2-1 home win on February 28.
Wed 24 March - A vs Chelsea (Champions League 1st Leg)
Sun 28 March - H vs Manchester United (Premiership)
Sat 3 April - vs Manchester United (FA Cup)
Tue 6 April - H vs Chelsea (Champions League 2nd Leg)
Sat 10 April - H vs Liverpool (Premiership)
Mon 12 April - A vs Newcastle (Premiership)
INSANE fixture schedule! Should be a great three weeks of football!
Sun 28 March - H vs Manchester United (Premiership)
Sat 3 April - vs Manchester United (FA Cup)
Tue 6 April - H vs Chelsea (Champions League 2nd Leg)
Sat 10 April - H vs Liverpool (Premiership)
Mon 12 April - A vs Newcastle (Premiership)
INSANE fixture schedule! Should be a great three weeks of football!
PaPaGeorGeo
Fan Favourite
If we keep up our current form we will be fine
PaPaGeorGeo
Fan Favourite
Relive the moments
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/3433739.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/3433739.stm
I think it was just a quote made by the write himself. IF you red the whole articles, then you will understand that what Terry saying is that Chelsea are 2nd in England in the moment and United are on a bit of a slump. While Arsenal are doing briliantly and he hopes for the domination of English football to shift to the south. I don't remeber reading, that Arsenal fear Chelsea and Chelsea are the strongest. Basically Terry is just saying that Chelsea improved so much, that at the moment only they can pose much of a threat to Arsenal. But that's his opinion, i have my own
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