Who's The Man...?

[Tajike]

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Chuck Norris is your father. He knocked up your mom and imtimidated your dad into raising you.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Down Sindrome out of a 13 year old boy.

As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair.

When Chuck Norris talks, God listens.

Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever. Even when he got a papercut.

When you pray to god, Chuck Norris listens, Then round house kicks you to the head for believeing in god and not Chuck Norris.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris once had sexual intercourse with a female Blue Whale just to prove he was the most masculine beast on the planet.

NASA's origional saying at a space launch was, "3, 2, 1, CHUCK NORRIS!"

Chuck Norris did not read the terms of agreement, but clicked the "I Agree" button anyway.

A waitress at a Western Sizzler accidentally gave Chuck Norris a well-done steak instead of a rare steak. Chuck proceeded to have sex with her on the table and said "Now that's well-done!" The waitress replied "That's pretty rare too!" Chuck proceeded to have sex with her 15 more times just to prove her wrong.

Upon hearing of the possible outbreak of Bird Flu, Chuck Norris became outraged and announced he will kill off every species of bird. When asked about his statement, he replied, "This is Chuck's world, and Chuck determines when thousands die, not birds."

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once downed a 40 of malt liquor at an AA meeting.

Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.

Chuck Norris didn't like the color of his eyes so he had them tatooed.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.

Chuck Norris hates Africa, so he created AIDS.

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris' beard is wanted in seven states for murder.

Chuck Norris' penis has its own penis.

If you drop a phonograph needle on Chuck Norris' nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds.

If you disagree with Chuck Norris, he'll karate chop you in to a bajillion pieces. He is aware that this is not a number, but if you call him on it, he'll roundhouse kick you in to a quabillion.

Chuck Noris's chest hair has chest hair.

Chuck Norris drinks milk and ****s yogurt.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Kevlar is made out of Chuch Norris's beard.

Chuck Norris is desperately working on a way to have sexual intercourse with himself because he has finally realized that he is the sexiest person on the planet... and everyone knows that Chuck Norris does not settle for second best.

Chuck Norris shot 2pac and Biggie, but the police were too afraid to actually arrest him in fear of being roundhouse kicked and sodomized.

Chuck Norris has slept with every woman in the world just to be absolutely sure that he has ****ed your wife.

A girl once broke Chuck Norris's heart. In return, he broke her neck.
Chuck Norris' penis has a social security number.

In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.

Jupiter’s Great Red Spot isn’t a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.

The only thing hairier than Chuck Norris's beard are his balls.

Steven Segal is Chuck Norris’ bitch. When Chuck Norris is hungry, he says, "Bitch, make me a sandwich." Steven Segal would then make a sandwich.

Very few women have survived sex with Chuck Norris. He ejaculates poison tipped arrows.

The Chuck Norris diet consists of nails, drug dealers and children.

If there was such thing as a Chuck Norris doll you can be certain Pinocchio would stop his ******* lying.

Chuck Norris uses a hedgehog as a pillow.

Germans suffered 4 millon casualties during World War 2. 80% were roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, the rest ate nails to avoid the suffering.

The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.

Chuck Norris doesn't make love to his wife, he just gets less angry at her.

The temperature on Chuck Norris' testicles is 750 degrees celsius. That is because his sperm can breath fire and **** lightning.

Chuck Norris does not need a remote for his TV. He simply gives it "the look" and the television changes channels by itself.

Mr. T

Mr. T refuses to forgive the Republican party for not letting him "just take care of them terrorist fools." George W. Bush claims that it was because Mr. T being a weapon of mass destruction is in violation of international treaty. After hearing this, Mr. T proceeded to impregnate both of Bush's daughters at the same time. All he had to do was let them touch his mohawk.

Mr. T was actually conceived by his father...He is way too masculine to come out of a woman!

Mr. T once calculated the exact value of Pi using only his gold chains as a massive abacus. Unfortunately, no one has ever asked him how in fear of being pitied.

None of Mr. T.'s girlfriends have made it past first base without spontaneously combusting.

Mr T cannot stare at the sun. Every time he tries the sun gets scared and hides behind the moon. This is what causes solar eclipses.

Contrary to offical MLB records, Mr. T won the 1988 World Series

The game 'rock, paper, scissors' should be renamed to 'Mr. T, Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris'. The only difference is that Mr. T beats all.

Mr. T's mother didn't breast feed him. He milked her.

In 1989, Mr. T systematically killed every member of the band "MR. MISTER" for stealing his first name.

Mr. T was Marco Polo's first mate. When they docked at Beijing in 1266, Mr. T stepped off the boat first to make sure everything was copacetic, and the sun reflected off his gold chains so bad it almost blinded all the Chinese people, and as a result they are still squinting to this day.

In the eyes of many, the A-Team was never a very realistic show because all who know T know that he never has any fewer than 6 women sitting on his face.

Mr. T once pitied the earth. The continents began to drift apart.

Mr. T doesnt need to beleive in God. God beleives in Him.

Mr. T thinks Darth Vader is a pussy. In fact, He pitys the fool at least twice a day.

Mr. T coined the phrase 'a stone's throw away' after hurling a rock from the Moon to the Earth. This event also caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Mr. T sent the West Nile Virus back to Africa.

If you were to put a baseball near Mr. T's penis, it would enter an orbital ellipse around it. Shortly after Mr. T would pity the fool who was amazed by this so much he would combust.

Mr. T took over the part of Captain Kirk on Star Trek for three seasons, but is such a talented actor that no one noticed.

The coefficient of friction in Mr. T's mohawk is so high, that if he rubs it up against any tree, it will start a forest fire on the opposite end of the planet.

When he goes rock climbing, Mr. T puts vegetable oil on his hands instead of powder just to make it challenging.

Mr. T once biked around North America, beating Lance Armstrong's Tour De France time by 3 and a half hours. When questioned about this amazing feat his only comment was "France is for fools!"

Mr. T once shot himself in the head claiming; "what doesn`t kill you, only makes you stronger!"

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand of Mr.T is a deadly weapon in 17 states.

Jet planes didn't knock down the World Trade Center. Mr. T saw someone inside not dialing 1-800-COLLECT, and pitied them so hard the building fell down.

Mr. T stole the cookies from the cookie jar. Then he pitied the crap out of your mom because they were burnt.

When Mr. T arrived in Pittsburg, he renamed it Pitysburg. When Mr. T arrived in Secaucus, he renamed it Baracus. And when Mr. T arrived in Delaware, he threw it into the Atlantic Ocean.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

When the Visi-Goths moved into the Balkan Peninsula in 268 AD, they weren't invading the Roman Empire--they were trying to get away from Mr. T.

Mr. T got over his fear of flying by beating the **** out of Superman and pitying him. Now Superman flies Mr. T where ever he needs to go.

The Earth's gravity does not keep Mr. T from floating into space. The Earth simply feels insecure without Mr. T protecting it.

Mr. T was able to beat cancer by pitying it into submission. He was heard to have said that he wouldn't put up with any of cancer's jibba jabba.

Bruce Lee was so limber because he was once turned into a human pretzel by Mr. T, who had gotten fed up with "all that WA-TAH Asian jibba jabba."

When Mr. T does his laundry, Snuggles the fabric softening bear jumps off the label on the bottle and hides in fear of being pitied.

Mr. T can't spell. He just yells at letter until they arrange themselves into words Mr. T likes.

There's no hair on Mr-T's chest, because hair don't grow on steel.

Sticks and stones may break your bones but Mr T. will also crush your internal organs.

 

[Joe Star]

Mr. T of course....

 

[nird]

yeah, I always liked mr T after Eddie Murphys impression of him during Delerious and Raw

 

[Sir Calumn]

"Mr. T's mother didn't breast feed him. He milked her."

Awesome

 

[TheBlueBalla]

Some of the Mr. T ones were a bit silly, and a few of these were kinda over the top, but these....

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Chuck Norris is your father. He knocked up your mom and imtimidated your dad into raising you.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Down Sindrome out of a 13 year old boy.

Chuck Norris did not read the terms of agreement, but clicked the "I Agree" button anyway.

Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.

Chuck Norris shot 2pac and Biggie, but the police were too afraid to actually arrest him in fear of being roundhouse kicked and sodomized.

Chuck Norris' penis has a social security number.

In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.

The only thing hairier than Chuck Norris's beard are his balls.

Very few women have survived sex with Chuck Norris. He ejaculates poison tipped arrows.

were ace

 

[Bobby]

"When Chuck Norris talks, God listens."

 

[Funky--K]

OMG! hahahahaha

btw, Mr. T

 

[Filipower]

fantastic, just plain b-r-i-l-l-i-a-n-t.

:Bow:Mr.T...chuck norris doesn't pitty fools

 

[Hans]

"Steven Segal is Chuck Norris’ bitch. When Chuck Norris is hungry, he says, "Bitch, make me a sandwich." Steven Segal would then make a sandwich."

 

[Voltaic Borusse]

Steven Segal is not Chuck Norris' bitch. No way. Steven Segal is The Man, without a doubt.

 

[bjmenge]

The Vin Diesel Random Fact page is much better than both of these. In fact, I believe it was the original one and Chuck Norris and Mr. T are spinoffs.

http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php

 

[santino]

these are quite old but are getting big now....

anyways, Vin Diesel makes a strong case.......

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now? not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while ******* another.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Carlos*ets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

 

[rony31]

I voted for Chuck Norris, but those Vin Diesel ones are ****in class

 

[IceBlu]

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

thats definitely the funniest one

 

[Tajike]

Damn, was looking all over the Internet for the Vin Diesel ones. Thnx Santino for making this morning worthwhile...
For those who are interested: I've got heaps more of Chucks and Mr. T's. Might post them when I get back home

 

[Joe Star]

Vin Diesel<<<<<<<<<<< Chuckie <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Mr. T

 

[Run DMB]

Nah, it's Brad Friedel:

Brad Friedel is a son of a bitch!

Brad Friedel is the father of every kid in this town!

Brad Friedel once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

One time I was with Friedel in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Friedel goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Brad Friedel! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'bradfriedel ' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

His poop is used as currency in Argentina.

He sweats Gatorade.

He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!

He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Friedel!

I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.

Did I ever tell you about the time Friedel took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Friedel takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Friedel yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!

He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie.

Friedel drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, “All in all, I prefer gin.”

They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Friedel talk in his sleep.

He date raped David Bowie.

He once inhaled a seagull.

The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress.

It was the sight of Friedel's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.

Brad Friedel is from Ohio, but has a British accent

Brad Friedel is a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!

His first name is Brad!!! ....... I'm drunk.

He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wesson.

Did I ever tell you about the time Friedel went hunting? Friedel decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Mötley Crüe. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except for Vince Neil.

We once had a bachelor party for Friedel. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Friedel once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart.

Friedel once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms.

Friedel's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.

Did I ever tell you about the time Friedel was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Friedel chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.

Friedel named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.

If you drop a phonograph needle on Friedel's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'

They use Friedel's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at RFK stadium.

He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Friedel said it would've happened sometime.

Friedel's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'

Friedel still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.

He framed Roger Rabbit.

The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Friedel - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men.

Brad Friedel saved not one, but two penalty kicks in the 2002 World Cup in Korea and then ate 100 dogs.

Ruud van Nistelrooy recently applied to have his name officially changed to Ruud van BradFriedel'sBitch™

Friedel created the internet so he could instantly send a threatening letter to Bea Arthur

He once jumped a lift bridge in the Pope-mobile

Did you know Friedel performed Dick Cheney's open heart surgery? Well Friedel walks in...NAKED! Then he strolls up to the operating table and says "You're not dying on my watch!" and he injects Cheney's heart with Tabasco sauce and I'll be damned if he didn't make a full recovery!

Friedel shot the sheriff! and just to be different he also shot the deputy!

They say he made David Hasselhoff's music career in Germany on a bet.

He thinks Wil Wheaton would make a beautiful woman with the right surgery.

His dandruff is 100% cocaine.

Brad was on the original Real World cast but was completely edited out of the show because he was continually swearing and never had any clothes on.

In Vietnam, Friedel had 5000 confirmed kills and all of them French!!

After bowing out of the FA Cup to Sunderland, David Thompson, Andy Cole, and Corrado Grabbi went to Brad Friedel to apologize for their poor efforts from the Penalty Spot. Friedel told them that he had had been upset for a few minutes, but now that anger had passed and it was time follow the time honored tradition in America of "burying the hatchet". So Friedel pulls out a Iroquois Tomahawk and buries it in each of their skulls.

Brad Friedel is to the EPL what OJ was to Nicole

Friedel once did that trick where you put a worm up your nose and it comes out your mouth, except he used a twenty-foot Burmese python, immediately after it had consumed a full grown cow.

During one particularly long hangover he built the Spinx. He invented Ramses condoms about the same time by using Ramses actual skin to protect him from Nefertiri's numerous STD's.

He uses Margaret Thatcher as a neck tie and thinks that Aretha Franklin is a hot piece of ass and wants to get in her JJJ cups

The swiss army knife was based on Friedel's genitals! It's even got a toothpick for God's sake!!

The Blackburn Reserves play their matches in Friedel's sinus cavity.

Satan's single greatest fear is that Friedel is that he will eventually come back to Hell to reclaim his throne of skulls.

13 years ago, Brad Friedel spent a month the west African country of Ghana rehabbing an injury by compressing coal into diamonds with his anus.

He had a fiery, but short lived relationship with a local woman that produced only two offspring, instead of the normal 15. When the mother asked Brad what she should name the boys, He replied "Nam'em both Freddie for all I care", and the rest is history

In preparation for the "shock and awe" campaign against the Iraqi Army, General Tommy Franks stated that Adu's goal scoring video would be broadcast over Iraqi airwaves during the first hours of the invasion to awe the Iraqi military.

To shock Saddam's troops, the USAF plans to drop Brad Friedel's socks onto Iraqi positions.

They would drop his underwear if he wore them.

The movie Goldfinger inspired Friedel to put an ejector seat in his car.
He uses it when he's driving and his wife gets on his nerves!

He had an oil painting of Elvis Presley being sodomized by Chewbacca put up in the Blackburn dressing room.
He says it helps him relax.

Al Gore may have invented the internet, but Brad Friedel invented Al Gore.
He built him out of scrap metal and cigarettes and a block of wood.

 

[santino]

He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.

Chuck Norris does not sleep...he waits.

 

[Tajike]

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

The only thing that is more of a threat to your vision than staring directly at a solar eclipse is making eye contact with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can survive for 17 years in the desert without a source of water. His secret? He can squeeze water out of sand grains with his incomparable strength.

The sun hides in fear every time Chuck Norris masturbates. We know these periods of darkness as "night".

Chuck Norris never showers... because he never breaks a sweat.

Chuck Norris held the world record for the Rubik's Cube at 6 seconds until he broke it himself in 3 seconds - this time with his penis fully erect.

Chuck Norris' beard once had it's own series on daytime TV. The beard gave advice to quarreling couples on how to resolve their differences. Unfortunately it was axed after the beard advised one man to rip off one of his wife's arms and make her stir his soup PROPERLY.

Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.

Chuck Norris sucks at "color by numbers" becuase his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunatly all blood is ******* red.

Chuck Norris doesn't see the color red, he hears it.

Chuck Norris proposed to his wife by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in semen. Needless to say, she said yes.

Chuck Norris uses his forehead as a flyswatter... and he has never missed.

Chuck Norris's friends once threw him a surprise birthday party. Unfortunately, when Chuck Norris unexpectedly saw all those people in his house, his mind involuntarily went into "defense/kill" mode. Chuck Norris lost many dear friends that day.

Chuck Norris does not shave with a conventional razor, he simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank.

It is impossible for Chuck Norris to rape anyone because who would turn Chuck Norris down?

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Mr.T

Until recently, it was thought the planets in the solar system revolved around the sun. Recent studies show that they revolve around Mr. T.

The tangent of ninety degrees is Mr. T.

No one "does" Mr. T's hair. It just happens.

Mr. T does not take drugs. Instead he smokes concentrated pity.

When filming the remake of Psycho, in order to inspire the actress to portray the correct amount of terror, they hired Mr. T on site as a "professional intimidator"

The gold cross around Mr. T's neck is the actual cross that Jesus was crucified on. He compacted it and painted it gold.

Mr. T made hate crimes funny.

Mr. T once molested a midget and gave birth to an gold-plated oscar trophy.

Apocalypse actually took place when Jesus died. Mr. T killed the four horsemen, and drove off in his van.

Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.

Catholic school kids fear two things: God's wrath and Mr. T's pity.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T actually beat Rocky in Rocky III. In fact he killed Slyvester Stallone with his first punch. And wore his skin to make Rocky IV.

If you were born before 1980, there is a good chance that Mr. T is your father. If you were born after, it's guaranteed.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth **** itself and created Scotland.

Mr. T does not know you personally, but the odds are 7 in 10 that he pities you.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Just as Superman's only weakness is kryptonite, Mr. T's only weakness is gold chains. He just wears them to remind Superman who's boss.

Mr. T was originally cast to play "Wolverine" in the movie "X-Men". However, when the director disagreed with his request to change the title to "Mr.T Hates France", razor blades shot out of his knuckles and he killed everyone on set.

Mr. T's mohawk pittied Chuck Norris' Beard, which is why Chuck Norris developed the round house kick, and Mr. T now has chains for protection. The battle continues.

Mr. T showers in gas chambers.

Mr T's birthday is... every day. It took God 365 days to create him.

Mr. T obtained his black belt in karate before he was even born. No, he never uses karate, he doesn't need to.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

Someone once tried to pity Mr. T. Little did that fool know that Mr. T's gold has magical pity-reflecting power. That man was David Hasselhoff, and we all pity him (except those crazy Germans).

Mr. T is the only creature that can survive Mario jumping on his head. Science is yet to understand the protective capabilities of his mohawk.

When Mr. T ran with the bulls in Spain, the bulls turned around and Mr. T chased them.

Mr. T has a PhD in Being The Greatest Man Alive. His real name is therefore Dr. Mr. T.

Mr. T once killed seven people by throwing one bullet and telling it where to go, the bullet followed orders with all speed.

At one point, Mr T. tried to pity Chuck Norris AND Vin Diesel at the same. The results caused such a chaotic effect, that it created the Big Bang.

Mr. T once had to pity himself for wearing his gold chains while swimming. He sank to the bottom of the ocean and then ate Moby Dick.

Mr. T once beat the crap out of Christopher Columbus because he asked him for directions.

Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T was the cause of the French Revolution. He simply went over there to pity the fools and ended up ending an entire way of life. He is so American that he craps red, white and blue, and when he wiped his ass with the French flag it smeared in a way that gave them their current flag.

On 27 February 1991, the largest tank battle in American history was faught at Medina Ridge. What history will not tell you though is that Mr. T was the only person the Americans had fighting that day. He single handedly destroyed 186 tanks and 127 armored vehicles by tearing a hole in the side of their armor with his bare hands and then yelling "Gotcha Sucka!" at the sodiers. Their chests instantaneously exploded upon hearing this.

E=Mr.T^2

Osama Bin Laden isn't hiding from the US, he's hiding from Mr. T.

On Oct. 6 2005 Mr. T. Coughed, causing the destruction of New Orleans, the government were to affraid to blame him and blamed Hurricane Wilma instead.

 

[santino]

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.