D
dbubbs : LUFC Mad
Guest
I got sent this the other day - i think you should read it, it's very funny
The diary
--------------------------------------------
JANUARY
* David Beckham again denies that wife Victoria is anorexic, telling an
interviewer: "She doesn't even wear anoraks, so how can she be sick of
them?"
* Just hours before their flight to Brazil, Manchester United announce that
they are to withdraw from the FIFA World Club Championship to take part in
the Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s section). "You
can't stand in the way of progress," says chairman Martin Edwards.
* After the success of Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography Managing My Life,
Paul Gascoigne releases his own tell-all memoirs, entitled Mangling My Wife.
FEBRUARY
* Fulham owner Mohammed Al-Fayed fails in his latest bid to win an English
passport. Several members of the Liverpool squad immediately offer him the
use of theirs, on the grounds that they have no plans to visit Europe at any
time in the near future.
* Commemorative Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s
section) winners' shirts go on sale at Manchester United Megastore
* After John Gregory's dismissal, Glenn Hoddle returns to management as boss
of Aston Villa and pledges never to repeat his slurs against the disabled.
"Anyone who thinks I'll fall into that trap again must be a complete
spastic," he says.
MARCH
* In a shock press conference at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson and Martin
Edwards announce their intention to withdraw Manchester United from the
1999-2000 Champions League due to fixture congestion. Both angrily deny
their decision has anything to do with the fact that they were knocked out
of the competition the previous night by Lazio.
* Arsenal drop out of the championship race after having all ten outfield
players sent off in the first half of a Premiership game. "I didn't see
anything," says Arsene Wenger, who admits he is furious about the late goal
which allowed Sheffield Wednesday to earn a 1-1 draw.
APRIL
* Manchester United transfer-list Gary Neville, Paul Scholes and Ronny
Johnsen after all three are captured on film obeying the speed limit.
* Leeds wrap up the Premiership, but their celebrations are ruined when Alan
Smith and Jonathan Woodgate are found to have swapped their championship
medals for some rare Pokemon trading cards.
* Chris Sutton is a surprise late entrant for the election to become Mayor
Of London. "He's the most complete 'mare I've ever come across," says
campaign backer Ken Bates.
MAY
* Arsenal win the FA Cup. Their victory parade through the streets of North
London ends at Highbury, where they immediately face Cambridge United in
their third round tie from season 2000-2001, brought forward because of
fixture congestion.
* There is some consolation for beaten finalists Newcastle United, as, along
with his loser's medal, the Queen hands Bobby Robson a ********. "I was
planning to send you this later in the week anyway," she explains.
* After Barcelona humiliate Chelsea 5-0 in the European Cup Final, an angry
Gianluca Vialli lambasts his side, claiming: "We played like a bunch of
schoolgirls out there." The players point out they were only acting on
orders from coach Graham Rix.
JUNE
* David Beckham is sent off to a chorus of boos as England crash 3-0 to
Portugal in their first game of Euro 2000. When asked afterwards how he'll
cope with the stick, Beckham replies: "I don't think she'll mind at all.
Victoria doesn't really like football"
* ITV's tournament coverage is thrown into chaos when analyst Craig Brown
flies home straight after the first round.
* After successive defeats by Germany and Romania, England are out too and
Kevin Keegan turns his attentions to the forthcoming World Cup qualification
campaign. "I think we can win it," he says.
JULY
* Italy beat Germany 2-0 to win Euro 2000. In the wild celebrations which
follow, David May is pictured proudly holding the trophy aloft.
* During a hectic four-week campaign, Manchester United play every other
club side on earth and defeat them all. A subsequent F365 poll asks: 'Are
Manchester United The Best Team In The World?'; 95% of readers say no.
* Released by United, Teddy Sheringham signs for Fulham and receives a brand
new Harrods racing bike from owner Mohammed Al-Fayed as part of the deal. "I
can't wait to show those Gooners my pedals," he says.
AUGUST
* Paul Gascoigne's much-rumoured move to a top American outfit goes awry
when it is discovered that he is too fat to fit inside the Ronald McDonald
suit.
* Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the
Premiership because of fixture congestion. Explains chairman Martin Edwards:
"Removing these 38 meaningless games from our schedule will give us ample
time for our important friendlies against Singapore Rattans, Kuala Lumpur
Neckstretchers and the Arkansas Howdy-Doodies, plus the defence of our
Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s section) crown".
SEPTEMBER
* Alan Shearer is among eight Newcastle first teamers sidelined with dental
problems. Club insiders blame Bobby Robson's insistence on replacing the
traditional halftime oranges with bags of Werther's Originals.
* After a disappointing start to the new season, Blackburn sack boss Tony
Parkes and immediately re-appoint him as caretaker manager.
* Called to the Premiership match between Leicester and Coventry, the bomb
squad manages to defuse Martin O'Neill, but Gordon Strachan has to be
destroyed in a controlled explosion.
OCTOBER
* Hounded out of England, David Beckham joins Juventus and announces that he
has topped former team-mate Roy Keane's contract by signing a lucrative
51,000 lire-a-week deal
* Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the EC and
NATO.
* Following months of frustration at Peter Johnson's refusal to sanction the
purchase of new players, Everton fans are delighted when new chairman Alan
Sugar arrives at Goodison Park.
NOVEMBER
* Robbie Fowler tells an interviewer, "It's a privilege to be one small part
of the greatest club in the world." Sadly, the club he is talking about is
Cream
* Bored of winning everything in Scottish football, Glasgow Rangers turn
their hand to politics and sweep the board in Scottish elections. Sadly,
their domestic excellence is not mirrored by a dismal set of European
policies
* Bonfire Night is one to forget for Ryan Giggs, who is involved in an
accident with a firework. He sobs, "The gaffer's always telling me that I'm
no rocket scientist"
DECEMBER
* After protests that 1999's event was too subdued, Gerard Houllier
announces that Liverpool's Christmas party will be held in a sleazy dive.
"That sounds right up my street," declares Michael Owen
* Chris Sutton spends a fortune on a top-of-the-range PC for Christmas, but
a defective modem ensures he can't find the net.
* Manchester United call on the Russians to withdraw from Chechnya and
Michael Douglas to withdraw from Catherine Zeta Jones.
* Asked whether he is enjoying life in Italy, David Beckham replies, "Is the
Pope Catholic?" Adds the midfielder: "Well? Is he? I really need to find
out."
The diary
--------------------------------------------
JANUARY
* David Beckham again denies that wife Victoria is anorexic, telling an
interviewer: "She doesn't even wear anoraks, so how can she be sick of
them?"
* Just hours before their flight to Brazil, Manchester United announce that
they are to withdraw from the FIFA World Club Championship to take part in
the Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s section). "You
can't stand in the way of progress," says chairman Martin Edwards.
* After the success of Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography Managing My Life,
Paul Gascoigne releases his own tell-all memoirs, entitled Mangling My Wife.
FEBRUARY
* Fulham owner Mohammed Al-Fayed fails in his latest bid to win an English
passport. Several members of the Liverpool squad immediately offer him the
use of theirs, on the grounds that they have no plans to visit Europe at any
time in the near future.
* Commemorative Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s
section) winners' shirts go on sale at Manchester United Megastore
* After John Gregory's dismissal, Glenn Hoddle returns to management as boss
of Aston Villa and pledges never to repeat his slurs against the disabled.
"Anyone who thinks I'll fall into that trap again must be a complete
spastic," he says.
MARCH
* In a shock press conference at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson and Martin
Edwards announce their intention to withdraw Manchester United from the
1999-2000 Champions League due to fixture congestion. Both angrily deny
their decision has anything to do with the fact that they were knocked out
of the competition the previous night by Lazio.
* Arsenal drop out of the championship race after having all ten outfield
players sent off in the first half of a Premiership game. "I didn't see
anything," says Arsene Wenger, who admits he is furious about the late goal
which allowed Sheffield Wednesday to earn a 1-1 draw.
APRIL
* Manchester United transfer-list Gary Neville, Paul Scholes and Ronny
Johnsen after all three are captured on film obeying the speed limit.
* Leeds wrap up the Premiership, but their celebrations are ruined when Alan
Smith and Jonathan Woodgate are found to have swapped their championship
medals for some rare Pokemon trading cards.
* Chris Sutton is a surprise late entrant for the election to become Mayor
Of London. "He's the most complete 'mare I've ever come across," says
campaign backer Ken Bates.
MAY
* Arsenal win the FA Cup. Their victory parade through the streets of North
London ends at Highbury, where they immediately face Cambridge United in
their third round tie from season 2000-2001, brought forward because of
fixture congestion.
* There is some consolation for beaten finalists Newcastle United, as, along
with his loser's medal, the Queen hands Bobby Robson a ********. "I was
planning to send you this later in the week anyway," she explains.
* After Barcelona humiliate Chelsea 5-0 in the European Cup Final, an angry
Gianluca Vialli lambasts his side, claiming: "We played like a bunch of
schoolgirls out there." The players point out they were only acting on
orders from coach Graham Rix.
JUNE
* David Beckham is sent off to a chorus of boos as England crash 3-0 to
Portugal in their first game of Euro 2000. When asked afterwards how he'll
cope with the stick, Beckham replies: "I don't think she'll mind at all.
Victoria doesn't really like football"
* ITV's tournament coverage is thrown into chaos when analyst Craig Brown
flies home straight after the first round.
* After successive defeats by Germany and Romania, England are out too and
Kevin Keegan turns his attentions to the forthcoming World Cup qualification
campaign. "I think we can win it," he says.
JULY
* Italy beat Germany 2-0 to win Euro 2000. In the wild celebrations which
follow, David May is pictured proudly holding the trophy aloft.
* During a hectic four-week campaign, Manchester United play every other
club side on earth and defeat them all. A subsequent F365 poll asks: 'Are
Manchester United The Best Team In The World?'; 95% of readers say no.
* Released by United, Teddy Sheringham signs for Fulham and receives a brand
new Harrods racing bike from owner Mohammed Al-Fayed as part of the deal. "I
can't wait to show those Gooners my pedals," he says.
AUGUST
* Paul Gascoigne's much-rumoured move to a top American outfit goes awry
when it is discovered that he is too fat to fit inside the Ronald McDonald
suit.
* Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the
Premiership because of fixture congestion. Explains chairman Martin Edwards:
"Removing these 38 meaningless games from our schedule will give us ample
time for our important friendlies against Singapore Rattans, Kuala Lumpur
Neckstretchers and the Arkansas Howdy-Doodies, plus the defence of our
Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s section) crown".
SEPTEMBER
* Alan Shearer is among eight Newcastle first teamers sidelined with dental
problems. Club insiders blame Bobby Robson's insistence on replacing the
traditional halftime oranges with bags of Werther's Originals.
* After a disappointing start to the new season, Blackburn sack boss Tony
Parkes and immediately re-appoint him as caretaker manager.
* Called to the Premiership match between Leicester and Coventry, the bomb
squad manages to defuse Martin O'Neill, but Gordon Strachan has to be
destroyed in a controlled explosion.
OCTOBER
* Hounded out of England, David Beckham joins Juventus and announces that he
has topped former team-mate Roy Keane's contract by signing a lucrative
51,000 lire-a-week deal
* Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the EC and
NATO.
* Following months of frustration at Peter Johnson's refusal to sanction the
purchase of new players, Everton fans are delighted when new chairman Alan
Sugar arrives at Goodison Park.
NOVEMBER
* Robbie Fowler tells an interviewer, "It's a privilege to be one small part
of the greatest club in the world." Sadly, the club he is talking about is
Cream
* Bored of winning everything in Scottish football, Glasgow Rangers turn
their hand to politics and sweep the board in Scottish elections. Sadly,
their domestic excellence is not mirrored by a dismal set of European
policies
* Bonfire Night is one to forget for Ryan Giggs, who is involved in an
accident with a firework. He sobs, "The gaffer's always telling me that I'm
no rocket scientist"
DECEMBER
* After protests that 1999's event was too subdued, Gerard Houllier
announces that Liverpool's Christmas party will be held in a sleazy dive.
"That sounds right up my street," declares Michael Owen
* Chris Sutton spends a fortune on a top-of-the-range PC for Christmas, but
a defective modem ensures he can't find the net.
* Manchester United call on the Russians to withdraw from Chechnya and
Michael Douglas to withdraw from Catherine Zeta Jones.
* Asked whether he is enjoying life in Italy, David Beckham replies, "Is the
Pope Catholic?" Adds the midfielder: "Well? Is he? I really need to find
out."