A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him.
One day, he dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replied, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I
figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid,
"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk,
and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"
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Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded
Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Brian, wake up you dirty drunken bastard, you're shitting the
bed"
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A kid asks his dad if can he have a bike. The dad says: "No way - we've a hundred grand mortgage to pay and we're already struggling just with that."
The next morning the dad finds the kid, with suitcase in hand, at the front door. "Where are you going son?" he says. The son tearfully replies: "I'm leaving cos I walked past your room last nite and heard you say you were pulling out and mum said she was coming too and I'm not staying here on me own with a hundred grand mortgage and no bike."
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Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
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Hitler is at the edge of the burial hole in Auschwitz. Next to him is a string of prisoners.
"You!" says Hitler to the Czech next to him "lift your left foot like this and twist your left arm like this. Now jump!" The Jew jumps, while Hitler follows the fall very carefully.
"Now you!" says Hitler to a Polish man "twist your right foot like this and lift both hands up like this. Now jump!" The Polish jumps, while Hitler again follows the fall very carefully.
"And you!" says Hitler to a Russian woman "bend over and lean to the front like this. Now jump!" The Russian jumps, and Hitler again pays very much attention to the fall.
All of a sudden, a German soldier comes running to Hitler and jumps to a halt and attention: "Heil Hitler!"
"Heil! What happened?"
"Mr. Goering gracefully announces the Chief of Staff meeting, as soon as you finish your game of Tetris."