I got caught speeding, driving drunk on drugs without a license... and got off!


Sir Calumn

I'm thinking to myself five hours into 2010 and I'm already up the ****ter

I've been in the city with friends, trying to spend a new year bukowski style, bouncing round bars drinking whiskey. Problem is, we all live in the country, and there are no trains at that time. One of my friends was supposed to be driving us all home, but we totally forgot to keep an eye on his drinking, and when at four in the morning he's crouching over a drain vomitting his guts out we know this aint gonna happen.

I cant drive. I took a few lessons once and mastered the basics, but never got the hang of manuvres and offended my instructor so much that he dropped me before I ever took the test. And that was two years ago. However, years of heavy drinking have given me an above average alcohol tolerance, and above average drunk confidence, so being the most sober of us and knowing that there would be few other cars out I yelled in a rather blazee manner that "I can drive this big bastard to warsaw and back!"

It was all going rather well, one of my other friends was also soberish, and he even had a driving license, but lacked my confidence, so he took the passengers seat. We bundled the other two in the back, then both took a line of cocaine to improve the circulation (it was a cold night) and set off. I was driving very badly and very fast, but there were no other cars, so it didnt matter.

Then suddenly, about ten minutes from home, this blue light flashed behind me. I was going through a town centre 30 zone at over 50, and some policeman had taken exception to this (they must put more police out on new years day, I've never seen one at five am before) and was trying to pull us over. I panicked and actually sped up, threatening to try and "outrun the bastard", but my copilot stayed cool and advised me to pull over, so I flicked on the indicator and gradually came to a stop. I parked very badly, got out of the car and then realised that I had an OPEN BEER BOTTLE IN MY HAND.

Short of murdering a bishop or raping mike tysons mother, this is probably the worst position you could ever find yourself in. The policeman points at the bottle and asks me

"Sir, have you been drinking?"

Me: "I'm the designated driver, thought I'd just have the last beer as we're heading home, *taking the bull by the horns* you can breathalize me if you like?"

Policeman: "We'll see about that in a minute sir, may I see your driving license please, and are you insured to drive this car?"

At this point I think all is lost, but my friend has though quickly and passes me his driving license, so that the policeman doesnt notice. I look absolutely nothing but my friend, but his photo of 4 years ago could possibly look like me four years ago, bearing in mind I currently have long hair and heavy stubble. He looks at it, for a long time, and then, to my amazement, thanks me and gives it back. He doenst even ask me again about the insurance, he points out to me that I was breaking the speed limit and that "speed limits apply at all times of the day and night", and warns me that I (my friend) might be getting a fine though the post (he asks me for my address and I have no idea what my friends address is, but luckily it's printed on the license and I was able to subtly read it off), he tells me that even though one beer is legal, it's advisable not to drink anything at all whilst driving, he makes a little joke about my passed out friends in the back and then.... get this.... he pats me on the shoulder and says "well done for getting them home"!!!!

He then fills out his little book, goes back to his car, and drives off. I get us back to my friends house going a good 10 mph below the limit, and we have a few more drinks and laugh about the whole thing.


Word of advise though, if you drive without a license, try not to speed, and if you speed without a license, try not to do it drunk, and if you speed without a license whilst drunk, avoid taking any drugs. And if you do all four, trust to dumb luck!

This whole story is absolutely true, unless you're a policeman in which case it is an entirely fictious post made for satirical and humourous effect.