I have posted this on our club's team thread but I found that I have missed out some articles so I decided to share it here instead so everyone can enjoy Ballack's wicked sense of humour.
Now like mentioned, I don't know if Ballack himself wrote this(a few blokes at CFCNet said he did, but probably just sarcasm from them), but I reckon its just a take on his real life diary by some funny twats from football365.com.
Nevertheles, its a real joy to read.
Here's the first one:
Saturday
JA! Today I have taken my family for a treat. We went to London's bright lights for a Ballack family trip. So cool, I love London. I invite Ricky Carvalho because I don't think he has any friends or a lover, but he did not want to come with me. I think he still pretends to be frightened of me! In Germany we call persons like Ricky a 'narr'.
Without Ricky we went to some of the best historical and entertainment sightings that London, nein, the World has to offer.
Inside The Trocadero we made some novelty photos of my children as The Simpsons, and there was one of me pretending to be a Chelsea player in the Champions League final, with some clever photo-imposing trick. This photos will be on my mantelpiece for many years!
Then we decided to eat something tasty, so we found Pizza's Express. I phoned Lampsy on my mobile telephone to invite him and Elen, but it went straight into answerphone after a few rings. He must have been very busy. Or maybe he has changed mobile. There is no way Lampsy ignores my ringing! We are 'mates' as they say in London and Britain. And his car is often full of the empty pizza's boxes. I know he likes to eat pizza.
Sunday
I was awoken by a ringing on my very private mobile telephone this morning. Very few people are having this number. Only my family, Boris Becker, coach of the Deutsche mannschaft Joachim Löw and JT and Lampsy has this number. Since I am knowing that JT and Lampsy never call me, I knew it was Joachim. He told me that he wanted that I play for Deutschland against Ireland on October 13th (for the European Championships, which we have won three times. 1972, 1980 and 1996. JT, Lampsy, Ashley, Wayne, Josef, and that tiny little boy Shaun Phillips - You have never won it!). I don't know if I can be fit but I will do everything possible to feel my Fatherland's adidas tunic on my skin again.
After my chatting with Joachim I called Ricky Carvalho to see if he wanted to watch Chelsea Football Club against Aston Villa with me and my family on our large television set. He answered after much ringing and sounded confused. I think he has the problems with technology and finds it difficult. He said that he wanted to watch Chelsea v Villa with us for sure!
Ricky arrived an hour late because I think he got lost. He was confused and panic looking. I made him a nice cup of German blond lager beer and he calmed down very fast. Without us the Blues were losing and although this Obi Mikel is a nice boy, he isn't Michael Ballack the handsome prince of Saxony, and the team failed. Ricky missed the second goal of the Aston Villa because he was locked inside the toilet by accident.
After the sad game we watched a film, 'Austin Powers Goldmember 3' and it was so funny. My children begged me to do my Austin Powers impersonation again to surprise Ricky. I said I was going upstairs to make some press-ups, but changed into my Austin Powers costume and then jumped out at Ricky when he was on his own in the kitchen. "JA! RICKY BABY I WANT TO SHAG YOU!" I screamed and he went the colour of a bed's sheet and ran into his car and drived off at high speed. He left his Prada shoes and Carlos*et he was in such the hurry.
Monday
My agent is calling me today for a serious chat. I will meet him tomorrow to discuss something. Maybe Chelsea wants to offer me a big new deal. £121,000 every week is too small for London's glittering box of delightful items and attractions.
I think I am very loyal, in the summer I could have moved to Real Madrid, but I said no and stayed in Stamford Bridge to get very fit and win my dressing-room shirt's peg back! Robben the tiny falling baby went to Real, he ran away from the England Premier League. But not I.
When Madrid made some enquiry in July, Ashley Cole said I should 'do one' and I didn't know what it means, but I asked a friend in my favourite shop The Disney Store (I love the Disney Store, you can buy the Monster's Inc cup and plate combination! So cute! And only £20, maybe is £30...cheap as chipped potatoes!). My friend told me 'Do one' means say 'nein' to their offer and ignore them. Ash wanted me to stay with Chelsea. He is a gut boy. I think I will invite him and Cheryl for a concert, I know she works in music. We can see Michael Bolton or something like.
Tuesday
What a funny country, today the press is crazy in England! They are so stupid. I want to help them understand the truth. On April 27th, Hans-Wilhelm Müller-Wohlfahrt, a brilliant German doktor, was operating on my ankle. And he has made a miracle with his hands. But he is not a magic man, and it is taking time for me to get better.
So Chelsea Football Club is giving me time to relax and recover. They are not listing me in the Champions League, so I can relax! Where ist the problems? Newspapers, stop getting in the twist. I am a Chelsea Blue Pensioner and am committed to the club. But if these papers don't stop giving me hassle I might change my ideas. I meet my agent for an unterredung chat and we access the options...
2nd one:
JA! I am das kapitän of the Chelsea F.C.! The Lord of the goal! The handsome prince who save the Stamford Bridge!
We have a phrase in German: The man who eats his bratwurst sausage with his blond beer is bigger in his heart than the men who ate their bratwursts too quickly in stupid haste and are lacking their blond beer! In English you say 'he who is laughing last is laughing the most'! I am laughing to the doubting men!
I overcame all my problems, I knew it would be so. What a relief, what a surprise and delighting end for 2007, a year that has made me remember not to take the things for granted. What a feeling l got when l made the goal for Sheva in the Carling Cup. It was a fantastic assist and the fans were so happy, they have missed me! Much people were shouting at me and Sheva after this goal, strong encouragements like 'We thought you two muppets had given up football!'
In the next match Franky had to come off because his thigh muscle is in difficulty, so I made my Premier League return. I gained the penalty against Aston Villa F.C. when a Villa's defensive player tried to break my legs in the penalty box. Some tabloid rubbish paper say I dived, but they are in error! And then I scored a wonderful free-kick shot! Das was a great feeling! When my ice-white adidas Predator strikes the surface of the hand-stitched high performance PU casing of the football I knew it was a goal!
And I got to wear the armband of the captain against Newcastle United FC. What a comeback! And when I am the skipper again, on Tuesday I was scoring the winning penalty shot at the Craven's Cottage. The penalty was of perfection, the work of a German engineer. Would an English player score this pressure spot's kick? Who can know? But I did. Ja!
My self-belief was unshaking, from my strong education and trainings in Germany. We have a mentality that you cannot replicate in England, Spain or France.
People will never know, but I felt like I had lost football forever at the beginning of my injury stress. All these months outside the matches, with strong physiotherapy and tiring hours in my leotard inside the gymnasium treatment's room.
To the naked eyes, l had everything, a beautiful Ferrari (white in colour, like my national team shirt) trips to the shops in centre of London, time to watch DVDs at home, looking famous paintings in the famous art museums, taking Riccy Carvalho to the TK Maxx. But nein! Without the fußball I was lost, so sad. I think an athlete without his sport is like a baker without an oven.
In the times injured I have been making many useful pass times. I managed my injury well, watching TV, developing my Cockney rhyming slangs, and chill-outing with Riccy.
He is now a regular dinner partner at my large and comfortable Surrey home. My children love him. He is very good with children - they connect. I have liked spending time with Riccy, and helping him pick a new hobby. We took him to pony club with my children and he was fall in love with the horses. Now he rides around the horse's field in his spare time with the toddler children. It is magic to see his face so bright and contented!
I believe that 2008 will be a big year for Riccy, and for me. And in the summer we have the Fußball-Europameisterschaft 2008 where I will be das kapitän of Germany and will lift the trophy above my ears!
I asked Franky, JT and Ash where they will be for the Euro 2008, but they made some strong sentences at me and walk away! I love the English sense of humour!
most recent one, same one i posted in the Chelsea thread:
Samstag/Saturday
JA! It is so easy, Manchester United comes to the Bridge as England's champion and is leaving like a small child covered in tears. In the first half my header is too strong. One - zero. I drifted into the gap like a fußball ghost and BANG!
Then Riccy Carvalho makes a small error and Wayne Rooney scores. But the crowd are not abusing Riccy, they know he has made a great season. After that arrives the highlight, it is my penalty.
All the paper and TV is asking me after the game 'did you feel the pressure before the spotted kick?' I laugh at their stupid small faces. I love pressure, it drives me! And I blast the ball in the goal. Tor! If you fear the pressure you should not be a fußball hero. Remember, when the chips are down on the table, the tough come in the kitchen.
Sonntag/Sunday
Relax day. I went with my childrens, partner Simone and Riccy to Madame Tussaud's house of wax. For some minutes Riccy thought the dummies are real people. He asked me, "Mikey, why is Prince William and Elton John so quiet?" I explain him that they are made of candles.
Dienstag/Tuesday
We are making light trainings before the Liverpool half-final. Just soft stretchings and runnings. I tell Frank Lampard some advices about penalty shooting.
Later we watch the other half-final of Manchester and Barcelona. It is a nice match, ja. But I feel sad for Barcelona. They lose to a team I destroyed alone.
Mittwoch/Wednesday
Wow! What a big game. We were made scared by Liverpool, but we have reached Moscow. I knew Lampsy will score his penalty. He made a German-style kick and we were all so proud of him.
It is incredible, I am incredible. In 2003/04 Cheslea is in the half-final of Champions League but without Michael Ballack in the team. They lose. In 2004/05 Chelsea is in the half-final without Michael Ballack and they lose. In 2006/07 Chelsea is in the half-final without Michael Ballack (I had big injury) and they lose.
Tonight Chelsea is the half-final of the Champions League with Michael Ballack and they win. Ja! Mit Herr Ballack Chelsea ist die finalist! I am the magic ingredient in this football meal. I am the keystone of the plan scheme.
Liverpool is out. As Sir Alan Sugars says on his nice British TV programme, "You are SACKED!" I love The Apprentices Show. But why do they call him Sugar? He isn't sweet. Riccy has some nightmares about Alan Sugar's big, crinkling leather beard face. He tells me in trainings.
Donnerstag/Thursday
My head is banging, we had the party after the game. It finished at 4am in a London discoclub. The DJ was playing up-tempo musics as we were drinking much champagne and blond lager beer. At one point I went to the DJ and asked him to put on some of my favourite songs. But he didn't have Robbie Williams. He tells me only house music and dancing numbers. I don't care so much. But I know Riccy was upset when he couldn't listen the songs of his preferred rockers Chris De Burgh and Bryan Adams.
Freitag/Friday
Now the games against big clubs are finished until the final in Moscow, I can relax for a while. I want to go to the zoo with Riccy. He loves to see the animals.
Montag/Monday
As I am expected, a relax game against one of England's provincial northen sides with vociferous fans, all who wear the black and white tunic. Chelsea was feeling edgy in the first 45 minutes, but I calmed them in part two mit my excellent goal. Didier (we are of course friends, the argument over the free-kick ist forgotten) crossed the ball and I made a glancing head. No player of Newcastle was challenging me. They defended like some classical England's pub team. This is why you don't see England at Euro 2008. Who leaves the captain of Deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft alone in the penalty zone? I punished the Geordie Army!
Now we have one more game to decide the champions. My cash money is on Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC to win the Premier League and dance around covered in smiles and blond lager beer. Then Moscow falls to Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC champions of Europe 2008. The party is waiting. Ja!
I make the next part of my diary after Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC are lifting the UEFA Champions League trophy. I love my life, I am Michael Ballack, a great talent and a hero to the Germans and Londoners.
END
source: http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8751_3528313,00.html
Now like mentioned, I don't know if Ballack himself wrote this(a few blokes at CFCNet said he did, but probably just sarcasm from them), but I reckon its just a take on his real life diary by some funny twats from football365.com.
Nevertheles, its a real joy to read.
Here's the first one:
Saturday
JA! Today I have taken my family for a treat. We went to London's bright lights for a Ballack family trip. So cool, I love London. I invite Ricky Carvalho because I don't think he has any friends or a lover, but he did not want to come with me. I think he still pretends to be frightened of me! In Germany we call persons like Ricky a 'narr'.
Without Ricky we went to some of the best historical and entertainment sightings that London, nein, the World has to offer.
Inside The Trocadero we made some novelty photos of my children as The Simpsons, and there was one of me pretending to be a Chelsea player in the Champions League final, with some clever photo-imposing trick. This photos will be on my mantelpiece for many years!
Then we decided to eat something tasty, so we found Pizza's Express. I phoned Lampsy on my mobile telephone to invite him and Elen, but it went straight into answerphone after a few rings. He must have been very busy. Or maybe he has changed mobile. There is no way Lampsy ignores my ringing! We are 'mates' as they say in London and Britain. And his car is often full of the empty pizza's boxes. I know he likes to eat pizza.
Sunday
I was awoken by a ringing on my very private mobile telephone this morning. Very few people are having this number. Only my family, Boris Becker, coach of the Deutsche mannschaft Joachim Löw and JT and Lampsy has this number. Since I am knowing that JT and Lampsy never call me, I knew it was Joachim. He told me that he wanted that I play for Deutschland against Ireland on October 13th (for the European Championships, which we have won three times. 1972, 1980 and 1996. JT, Lampsy, Ashley, Wayne, Josef, and that tiny little boy Shaun Phillips - You have never won it!). I don't know if I can be fit but I will do everything possible to feel my Fatherland's adidas tunic on my skin again.
After my chatting with Joachim I called Ricky Carvalho to see if he wanted to watch Chelsea Football Club against Aston Villa with me and my family on our large television set. He answered after much ringing and sounded confused. I think he has the problems with technology and finds it difficult. He said that he wanted to watch Chelsea v Villa with us for sure!
Ricky arrived an hour late because I think he got lost. He was confused and panic looking. I made him a nice cup of German blond lager beer and he calmed down very fast. Without us the Blues were losing and although this Obi Mikel is a nice boy, he isn't Michael Ballack the handsome prince of Saxony, and the team failed. Ricky missed the second goal of the Aston Villa because he was locked inside the toilet by accident.
After the sad game we watched a film, 'Austin Powers Goldmember 3' and it was so funny. My children begged me to do my Austin Powers impersonation again to surprise Ricky. I said I was going upstairs to make some press-ups, but changed into my Austin Powers costume and then jumped out at Ricky when he was on his own in the kitchen. "JA! RICKY BABY I WANT TO SHAG YOU!" I screamed and he went the colour of a bed's sheet and ran into his car and drived off at high speed. He left his Prada shoes and Carlos*et he was in such the hurry.
Monday
My agent is calling me today for a serious chat. I will meet him tomorrow to discuss something. Maybe Chelsea wants to offer me a big new deal. £121,000 every week is too small for London's glittering box of delightful items and attractions.
I think I am very loyal, in the summer I could have moved to Real Madrid, but I said no and stayed in Stamford Bridge to get very fit and win my dressing-room shirt's peg back! Robben the tiny falling baby went to Real, he ran away from the England Premier League. But not I.
When Madrid made some enquiry in July, Ashley Cole said I should 'do one' and I didn't know what it means, but I asked a friend in my favourite shop The Disney Store (I love the Disney Store, you can buy the Monster's Inc cup and plate combination! So cute! And only £20, maybe is £30...cheap as chipped potatoes!). My friend told me 'Do one' means say 'nein' to their offer and ignore them. Ash wanted me to stay with Chelsea. He is a gut boy. I think I will invite him and Cheryl for a concert, I know she works in music. We can see Michael Bolton or something like.
Tuesday
What a funny country, today the press is crazy in England! They are so stupid. I want to help them understand the truth. On April 27th, Hans-Wilhelm Müller-Wohlfahrt, a brilliant German doktor, was operating on my ankle. And he has made a miracle with his hands. But he is not a magic man, and it is taking time for me to get better.
So Chelsea Football Club is giving me time to relax and recover. They are not listing me in the Champions League, so I can relax! Where ist the problems? Newspapers, stop getting in the twist. I am a Chelsea Blue Pensioner and am committed to the club. But if these papers don't stop giving me hassle I might change my ideas. I meet my agent for an unterredung chat and we access the options...
2nd one:
JA! I am das kapitän of the Chelsea F.C.! The Lord of the goal! The handsome prince who save the Stamford Bridge!
We have a phrase in German: The man who eats his bratwurst sausage with his blond beer is bigger in his heart than the men who ate their bratwursts too quickly in stupid haste and are lacking their blond beer! In English you say 'he who is laughing last is laughing the most'! I am laughing to the doubting men!
I overcame all my problems, I knew it would be so. What a relief, what a surprise and delighting end for 2007, a year that has made me remember not to take the things for granted. What a feeling l got when l made the goal for Sheva in the Carling Cup. It was a fantastic assist and the fans were so happy, they have missed me! Much people were shouting at me and Sheva after this goal, strong encouragements like 'We thought you two muppets had given up football!'
In the next match Franky had to come off because his thigh muscle is in difficulty, so I made my Premier League return. I gained the penalty against Aston Villa F.C. when a Villa's defensive player tried to break my legs in the penalty box. Some tabloid rubbish paper say I dived, but they are in error! And then I scored a wonderful free-kick shot! Das was a great feeling! When my ice-white adidas Predator strikes the surface of the hand-stitched high performance PU casing of the football I knew it was a goal!
And I got to wear the armband of the captain against Newcastle United FC. What a comeback! And when I am the skipper again, on Tuesday I was scoring the winning penalty shot at the Craven's Cottage. The penalty was of perfection, the work of a German engineer. Would an English player score this pressure spot's kick? Who can know? But I did. Ja!
My self-belief was unshaking, from my strong education and trainings in Germany. We have a mentality that you cannot replicate in England, Spain or France.
People will never know, but I felt like I had lost football forever at the beginning of my injury stress. All these months outside the matches, with strong physiotherapy and tiring hours in my leotard inside the gymnasium treatment's room.
To the naked eyes, l had everything, a beautiful Ferrari (white in colour, like my national team shirt) trips to the shops in centre of London, time to watch DVDs at home, looking famous paintings in the famous art museums, taking Riccy Carvalho to the TK Maxx. But nein! Without the fußball I was lost, so sad. I think an athlete without his sport is like a baker without an oven.
In the times injured I have been making many useful pass times. I managed my injury well, watching TV, developing my Cockney rhyming slangs, and chill-outing with Riccy.
He is now a regular dinner partner at my large and comfortable Surrey home. My children love him. He is very good with children - they connect. I have liked spending time with Riccy, and helping him pick a new hobby. We took him to pony club with my children and he was fall in love with the horses. Now he rides around the horse's field in his spare time with the toddler children. It is magic to see his face so bright and contented!
I believe that 2008 will be a big year for Riccy, and for me. And in the summer we have the Fußball-Europameisterschaft 2008 where I will be das kapitän of Germany and will lift the trophy above my ears!
I asked Franky, JT and Ash where they will be for the Euro 2008, but they made some strong sentences at me and walk away! I love the English sense of humour!
most recent one, same one i posted in the Chelsea thread:
Samstag/Saturday
JA! It is so easy, Manchester United comes to the Bridge as England's champion and is leaving like a small child covered in tears. In the first half my header is too strong. One - zero. I drifted into the gap like a fußball ghost and BANG!
Then Riccy Carvalho makes a small error and Wayne Rooney scores. But the crowd are not abusing Riccy, they know he has made a great season. After that arrives the highlight, it is my penalty.
All the paper and TV is asking me after the game 'did you feel the pressure before the spotted kick?' I laugh at their stupid small faces. I love pressure, it drives me! And I blast the ball in the goal. Tor! If you fear the pressure you should not be a fußball hero. Remember, when the chips are down on the table, the tough come in the kitchen.
Sonntag/Sunday
Relax day. I went with my childrens, partner Simone and Riccy to Madame Tussaud's house of wax. For some minutes Riccy thought the dummies are real people. He asked me, "Mikey, why is Prince William and Elton John so quiet?" I explain him that they are made of candles.
Dienstag/Tuesday
We are making light trainings before the Liverpool half-final. Just soft stretchings and runnings. I tell Frank Lampard some advices about penalty shooting.
Later we watch the other half-final of Manchester and Barcelona. It is a nice match, ja. But I feel sad for Barcelona. They lose to a team I destroyed alone.
Mittwoch/Wednesday
Wow! What a big game. We were made scared by Liverpool, but we have reached Moscow. I knew Lampsy will score his penalty. He made a German-style kick and we were all so proud of him.
It is incredible, I am incredible. In 2003/04 Cheslea is in the half-final of Champions League but without Michael Ballack in the team. They lose. In 2004/05 Chelsea is in the half-final without Michael Ballack and they lose. In 2006/07 Chelsea is in the half-final without Michael Ballack (I had big injury) and they lose.
Tonight Chelsea is the half-final of the Champions League with Michael Ballack and they win. Ja! Mit Herr Ballack Chelsea ist die finalist! I am the magic ingredient in this football meal. I am the keystone of the plan scheme.
Liverpool is out. As Sir Alan Sugars says on his nice British TV programme, "You are SACKED!" I love The Apprentices Show. But why do they call him Sugar? He isn't sweet. Riccy has some nightmares about Alan Sugar's big, crinkling leather beard face. He tells me in trainings.
Donnerstag/Thursday
My head is banging, we had the party after the game. It finished at 4am in a London discoclub. The DJ was playing up-tempo musics as we were drinking much champagne and blond lager beer. At one point I went to the DJ and asked him to put on some of my favourite songs. But he didn't have Robbie Williams. He tells me only house music and dancing numbers. I don't care so much. But I know Riccy was upset when he couldn't listen the songs of his preferred rockers Chris De Burgh and Bryan Adams.
Freitag/Friday
Now the games against big clubs are finished until the final in Moscow, I can relax for a while. I want to go to the zoo with Riccy. He loves to see the animals.
Montag/Monday
As I am expected, a relax game against one of England's provincial northen sides with vociferous fans, all who wear the black and white tunic. Chelsea was feeling edgy in the first 45 minutes, but I calmed them in part two mit my excellent goal. Didier (we are of course friends, the argument over the free-kick ist forgotten) crossed the ball and I made a glancing head. No player of Newcastle was challenging me. They defended like some classical England's pub team. This is why you don't see England at Euro 2008. Who leaves the captain of Deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft alone in the penalty zone? I punished the Geordie Army!
Now we have one more game to decide the champions. My cash money is on Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC to win the Premier League and dance around covered in smiles and blond lager beer. Then Moscow falls to Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC champions of Europe 2008. The party is waiting. Ja!
I make the next part of my diary after Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC are lifting the UEFA Champions League trophy. I love my life, I am Michael Ballack, a great talent and a hero to the Germans and Londoners.
END
source: http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8751_3528313,00.html
