On a flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane, then yells, "If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of relationships in my life, but no-one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He’s tall, well built, with flowing blond hair and blue eyes. He walks slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as he approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, the girl replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us for sure! Their bedroom is right upstairs!" "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?" he insists grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" the girl goes on. "Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It’s just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!" "Oh yes, you can. Please?" The argument goes on for about five minutes when suddenly out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for Heaven’s sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!"
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A lost man came upon a small house owned by an old Chinese man. "I’m lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," he replied, "but if you touch my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
The daughter appeared – she was young, beautiful, and couldn’t keep her eyes off the visitor. So during the night, he snuck into her room for a night of passion.
In the morning he woke to feel pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note that read, "Chinese Torture #1: Large rock on chest." "That’s pretty lame," he thought. He then threw the boulder out the window. He then noticed another note: "Chinese Torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he figured a few broken bones was better than castration, so he jumped out after it. As he plummeted he saw a large sign on the ground: "Chinese Torture #3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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Jesus, Moses and an elderly bloke were all out playing golf one day, finding themselves all tied on the water hazard-wielding 18th hole. Moses tees off, but embarrassingly hooks it into the water. While the other two laugh, Moses parts the water and chips the ball three feet away from the hole. Next Jesus tees off, slicing the ball across the water and on to a far-off bank. The others laugh, but Jesus walks across the water and chips the ball two feet away from the hole. Next the old guy tees off, he too sending his ball sailing off across the water. Suddenly a fish jumps up and catches the ball in its mouth. Then a bird swiftly snatches up the fish. Before it gets very far, lightning strikes the bird, making it drop the fish - which drops the ball 10cm from the hole. A worm then pops out of the ground, nudging the ball into the hole. "Hole in one!" screams the elderly gentleman, excitedly. Jesus turns to him angrily:"For f__k's sake," he says, "stop showing off, Dad!"
